Stolen Office Supplies Discovered in Iraq
on 12/12/2004 (0)
Much of the US lead coalition's reasoning for invading Iraq earlier this year was based on the assumption that Saddam Hussein had a stockpile of Weapons of Mass Destruction. While no WMD's have yet to be found, US forces have recently uncovered something even more sinister.
|Who stole my beautiful stapler? |
"One of our sources indicated that we should investigate some warehouses in northern Mosul that appeared to belong to Saddam," said Brigadier General Carter Hamm. "We thought we might finally uncover those elusive WMD's or the rarely publicized link between Iraq and Mariah Carrey."
Instead of either of these highly likely situations, US forces found warehouses full of stolen office supplies. These warehouses are estimated to hold $11 billion worth of stolen office supplies.
"There were pens, there were notepads, I think I even saw a stapler," said Private Dan Regions, member of the Army regiment that first discovered the stolen office supplies. "It was like a scene out of my worst nightmare."
Further investigation has revealed an elaborate web of deceit, lies, and corruption that has shocked corporate America to it's very core.
"Not since Enron, the Martha Stewart Scandal, or Microsoft's Service Pack 2 has anything so greatly and so negatively affected business in America," said Chris Chelios of the Detroit Red Wings, who has been working as a business analyst during the current NHL lockout.
Reports indicate that Hussein had placed his own personally chosen operatives all over America, infiltrating for-profit and non-profit businesses alike. These operatives often worked late hours, sneaking out supplies at night when the offices were mostly empty.
"I always thought Haydar was just a real hard worker," said the manager of one infiltrated business. "He was always staying after hours, he never objected when there was extra work to be done. Turns out that he was just staying late so he could steal our office supplies. I'm really hurt, I put a lot of faith in him. Worse still, I let him marry my daughter. I'm not sure what I'm going to say to him when I see him at our Christmas dinner."
"Saddam's agents were in businesses nationwide, stealing pens and notepads and then using company stamps to ship them back to Iraq," said US Homeland Security Deputy Secretary James Loy. "This is the most serious breach of homeland security since Celine Deon was allowed back into the country earlier this year."
US officials are currently attempting to return all that office supplies confiscated to their rightful owners, but this task is proving to be exceedingly difficult.
"There is no clear records of where the supplies came from," said Loy. "We have a box full of staplers, all unlabeled. They could be from IBM, or Dell, or some other third business that sells boxes of staplers. We have no way to tell."
Many businesses have contacted the US government regarding their missing supplies in hopes of reacquiring their loses.
"In the past year, we had over ten pens go missing," said Microsoft founder Bill Gates. "We will work closely with the government to attempt to identify our pens. After all, I didn't become the world's richest man by letting people stea
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