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Bush-Era Judges Revert To White Wigs, Speaking Middle English
by Mark on 12/13/2004 (0)

"Castez coursez be crafte when þe clowde rysez!"
OLDE COVERED BRIDGE, MA - The recent upsurge in extreme Neo-Conservative values has plunged Bush-era courtrooms into Medieival chambers of legal horror

Jane Eedy could feel the sweat real. She was in deep shit and she knew it.

Judge Pencrest Chamberlin solemnly surveyed his court, his white wig tousled and curled above piercing, premeditated eyes.

The bailiff instructed the room to rise

"Case number 40215, The People vs. Jane Eedy. Miss Eedy, how do you plead?"

Eedy, voice cracked and trembling, croaked

"N-no contest, your h-honor..."

Judge Chamberlin's dour expression became even more menacing and contorted, his upper lip virtually dissappearing beneath his court robes. Chamberlin exploded in a ranting shout

"I wull dispute ! And yf I dispute for the, I wull say þou aw me my hyre be counan. And if I dispute agayns þe, my hyre is awyng me be þe law; & so þou ert ouercommen, & I ouercom thee!!"

U.S. Public Defender Johnny Beauford struggled to explain

"I don't know what the hell to make of it! Ever since Bush got elected, conservative judges have reverted to old Medieval values, including speech and court dress. Fact is, I don't even know how to build a defence under these circumstances. All I can do is suggest my client plead no contest, and hope for the best!"

With an ear-splitting crack of the court gavel, Eedy was sentenced to thirty days in public stocks for driving 37 in a 25 mph zone. Eedy exited in tears, the ooh's, ahh's, moans and groans rising to buzzing crescendo from the fops and rakes in the raucous court gallery

On the way out, the bailiff nudged Eedy, gently reassuring

"Next time, just say 'Maister, þou sall vnderstond þat sal be ouercommen bothe ways; for if þe law procede for me, be þe sentance of þe law I sall aw þe no thyng, for I ouercom þe!' and he'll take 3 days off of your sentence!"0"<

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