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Friday Mailbag 12.17.04
by Kris on 12/17/2004 (2) 
 | | Hey look at me, I'm answering mail! | | Every Friday, Smooth Operator's very own Kris reaches deep into his mailbag and answers a very special few questions. While he receives thousands of emails each day, he always tries his best to answer each and every one of them. If you have any questions that you would like answered, email them to kris@smthop.com with the subject 'Friday Mailbag'.
I fell down the stairs and I think my leg is broken. Can you help me?
Assuming that gangrene has yet to set in, then yes I can. Ideally, you'd like to call a hospital and have them send an ambulance. In this ambulance will be two knowledgeable men or women that I like to call 'paramedics'. And ironically enough, there where will be two of them! Get it, pair of medics! That's fucking clever! Now these paramedics can help you construct a makeshift split out of old macaroni noodles and particleboard. And before you know it, you'll be back on the court and playing basketball, just in time to hit that game winning shot to defeat your archrivals, the Jefferson County Fighting Douche-bags.
Why is it so cold during winter?
Conventional wisdom says that it may be the result of a weather machine. In fact, that is the only logical explanation. I suspect that the cold temperatures during winter is the result of a man, scorned by love lost, who has created a powerful weather machine with the intent of literally forcing the figurative coldness of his heart upon all of the world. This man is likely between 5 feet and 8 feet tall, weighing between 100 and 400 pounds, and is probably named Michael Bolton. And despite being a widely popular singer world round, he is more hated than the bubonic plague and herpes combined!
Is it true that ketchup is a Canadian Binary Robot conspiracy
For those of you who aren't in the know, Canadian Binary Robots are a terrible race of evil robots who, among other things, wish to force the metric system on Americans and graze on our vast farmlands. For the full history, check out this link.
Now it is purely speculation whether or not ketchup is a CBR conspiracy, but as I often say, if I say it, then it's probably true. Now taking a look at my ketchup bottle, I've noticed these startling facts:
Heinz ketchup was established in 1869. Canadian Binary Robots were created in 1984, exactly 115 years later! That cannot be just a coincidence. Also, the net weight of my ketchup bottle is 20 ounces. Curiously, this is divisible by ten, just like numbers in the metric system. The ketchup also claims zero grams of fat... robots are made of metal, thus they have no fat as well. And finally, the directions on the ketchup say 'Shake well before use'. This is quite obviously a ploy by the Canadian Binary Robots to distract you while they have their ways with our women and teach the metric system to our children. So to answer your question, yes, ketchup is a terrible work of the Canadian Binary Robots.
Are my plants trying to kill me?
Put yourself in your plants' shoes for once. You began your life in a wonderful forest. Bunnies hopping around, the sun shinning in your face. Then one day you are brutally uprooted from the soil you so loved and placed in dry, low nutrient soil. Poor quality soil from Wal-Mart, the kind of soil that might save a few nickels on but that you'd never wish on your worst enemy.
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