Scientists Discover Asteroid That Will Kill Us All
on 12/28/2004 (6)
NASA scientist have recently discovered a new asteroid, named Asteroid 2004 MN4 after the scientist that discovered it, Dr. Asteroid 2004 MN4. They claim there is a 1 in 300 chance that this 1,300-foot long asteroid could hit Earth in 2029.
|Video game depiction of the horrors of asteroids. |
“There is a very slim chance the asteroid will hit Earth,” said Donald Yeomans, manager of the Near Earth Object Program at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. “But if it does, it’ll make what happened to the dinosaurs look like a re-run of Happy Days.”
The asteroid was discovered in June and then rediscovered this month. It has been scaring the crap out of people since.
“We’re all gonna die,” claimed one local man.
Asteroid 2004 MN4 been given an initial rating of 2 on the 10-point Torino Impact Hazard Scale used by astronomers to predict asteroid or comet impacts, said Yeomans.
No previously observed asteroid has been graded higher than 1.
“A rating of two is unprecedented,” said Yeomans. “That’s like, twice the highest rated asteroid ever seen.”
“It’s the end of the world as we know it,” claimed REM front man Michael Stipe.
"We're talking either a tsunami if it hit in the ocean, which would be likely, or significant ground damage," Yeomans said. “Fire and brimstone coming from the sky, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave!”
“Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!” added Yeomans’ associate Dr. Peter Venkman.
Asteroid 2004 MN4’s size has been estimated from its brightness, assuming that its reflectivity is similar to other observed asteroids. At over 1,300 feet in length, it would have approximately 1,600 megatons of energy, Yeomans said, more than enough to “kill us all” and leave the Earth a “charred, lifeless crater.”
The asteroid will be visible for the next several months where it will needlessly threaten the world it will soon destroy, causing untold panic that I cannot even began to explain.
“It’s hard to imagine that it’s all going to be over soon,” said one saddened man. “I’ll never get to teach my grandchildren how to ride their hoverbikes, or stiff that jerk of a brother of mine in my will.”
Even though the news of Asteroid 2004 MN4 seems grave and the probability of us all dieing appears likely, there is still hope. Evacuation plans are being considered, as are plans to destroy the asteroid.
A Christian Science group is working on a plan to create a space-arc, taking two of each animal and repopulating the life of Earth on the Moon. While this would be a possible way of repopulating, their religious beliefs say inbreeding is a sin, which will cause a stop of population growth after the first new generation is born.
NASA scientists feel that they may be able to stop the collision from happening.
“We’ve been watching Armageddon a lot,” said Yeomans. “We’ve made a lot of progress and are already in negotiations with numerous offshore oil drilling companies to help us with our plan.”
One final plan lies with thirty-five year old Jimmy Smith. Jimmy graduated from MIT in the mid 1980’s, though h
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