Offended Canadians Seek To Shut Down Smooth Operator
on 1/5/2005 (7)
“We’ve been really hard on those guys this past year,” said Smooth Operator creator Kris Steele, referring to Canadians. “I personally have accused them of having sexual relations with penguins, living in igloos, and harboring a terrorist group of robots.”
|One of many offended Canadian citizens. |
Other writers at Smooth Operator have also taken their shots at Canadians. Kenneth Manboobs recently wrote an entire article detailing Americans’ dislike of the Canadian National Anthem. And while Mark Motz has never directly stated it, we suspect he too is against Canada.
“They’re just so easy to take shots at,” said a less than remorseful Mr. Steele. “I mean, their country is policed by men on horses and their people have an insatiable love for a sport that no longer exists. They’re practically begging to be harassed.”
Over the past three years, Smooth Operator has taken in excess of one hundred shots at our northern neighbors, many of which have been proven to be completely inaccurate and utterly ridiculous. Recently things have gotten so bad that one Canadian rights group is attempting to have the site shut down.
“We’re seeking to have Smthop.com shut down permanently and would like to have Mr. Steele and his staff extradited to Canada to be tried for their crimes,” said Martha Wilcox, spokeswoman for Canadians Against Hurtful Comments by Americans (CAHCA). “We are seeking the death penalty for each of their numerous crimes, we’ll kill them as many times as it takes for our message to get across.”
“I guess claiming that Canadians were green-skinned and raised by wolves was a little out there,” admits Mr. Steele. “But I do not regret my comments about Celine Deon, she is surely Satan reborn.”
While Canadians were often hurt by these comments, which are seen by thousands daily, most appear to harbor no ill will and only wish to let the world know that they are not that different.
“We’re not that different, don’t you know,” said long time Canadian Tom Foolery. “We put our snow pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of the world.”
Canadian Prime Minister Molson Bacon shared similar sentiments.
“Sure we might talk a little funny or enjoy the benefits of government health care, but so what?” said Bacon. “We get drunk and play ping-pong just like everyone else.”
The case against Smooth Operator is currently pending in Canadian courts, which we know little of but assume will be presided over by Eskimos, penguins, and the Abominable Snowman.
“It will be quite the ensemble cast,” commented Mr. Steele.
Defacto McLaw, lawyer for Smooth Operator, has advised the staff to go easy on Canadians until these issues are resolved. Seemingly they have complied, though not necessarily in the way Defacto had hoped.
“The English have been pissing me off for years, I think I’m gonna take shots at them until this all blows over,” said Mr. Steele. “With their tea and crumpets and flying cars, they think they are so much better than us. I’ll show them otherwise through the use of the modern marvel known as slander and libel!”
Defacto is currently preparing the paperwork for the lawsuit coming from England that he feels is “only a matter of t
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