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Baseball Hat Bandit Caught
by Kris on 1/11/2005 (0)

Artist's rendition of the Baseball Hat Bandit if he were a 20 foot tall mexican gunslinger.
Idiot, North Dakota County Police said Monday that they have caught the notorious “Baseball Hat Bandit”, a robber who has committed nearly three dozens hat-nappings in the city over a span of two and a half weeks.

The missing hats, including a rare 2004 New York Yankees American League Champions hat, are estimated at a value exceeding $200.

Mark Spears, 24, was arrested Saturday night after an undercover police officer was able to catch him red-handed.

“We had one of our officers wear a brand new cap and stand in a desolate alley whistling,” said Police Chief Jerry Waltham. “Sure enough, our robber fell for it.”

“I was ready for him, so as soon as he grabbed the hat off my head, I unloaded six shots from my 9 millimeter into his back,” said arresting officer Tom Nelson.

After fingerprinting and a preliminary trial hearing, Spears was rushed to Idiot General Hospital where he is currently in critical condition and doctors fear he will “probably die” but are very thankful they can finally “wear hats outside without fear”.

Earlier attempts to capture Spears using similar tactics had failed.

“Officer Nelson took a nasty beating at the hands of the local Bloods,” said Waltham. “It was an unfortunate mistake that we had placed him in gang territory… wearing rival gang colors… with a hat that said ‘The Bloods Suck’.”

After capturing Spears, the police searched his home and were able to find many of the missing hats, which have been returned to their rightful owners.

“We found a large number of the missing hats,” said Waltham. “Unfortunately, there were a few that are still missing and most likely they have already been channeled into the black market where they will soon be purchased by Foot Locker vendors across the country.”

The arrest of Spears marks the end of the biggest crime spree in Idiot history, topping even the notorious ‘Garbage Tippings’ of 1984. In the unlikely event that Spears survives through the night, his trial is scheduled to begin tomorrow at 7 AM.h="00" hei


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