Star Jones Cuts Ties with Legal Career to Spend More Time with Food
Los Angeles – After lying to herself for several decades, Star Jones has finally pulled the wool from her own eyes, eaten the metaphorical sheep, and openly admits that she lusts after mountains of food. So much so that apparently the co-host of the talk show The View has decided to stop any and all activity that didn’t directly relate to putting food on her table in massive amounts and then eating it.
On a recent return trip from Europe, Jones officially listed her occupation as “geographic landmark”, not lawyer which had been her previous modus operandi.
"I guess I've crossed over to the dark side," she said. "It felt truthful. I'm sure it's strange for my father, who wants to know where all the money went for law school." Mr. Jones reportedly stopped asking those pesky questions shortly after Star ate his right arm.
Jones has been heavily criticized in the past for her outspoken role to get plus-sized women more respect in the current society. In the past year she has lobbied strongly for larger toilets to be a standard feature in public places, the removal of steps from all publicly funded buildings, and more microwave access on public transportation.
“She doesn’t realize that her kind cost us billions each year in health related issues,” stated Barbara Walters, Jones’ former View co-host. “Not to mention that they smell because when you’re that big you can’t properly clean yourself.”
Reports have the former law professional’s weight at approaching half a ton. The source cited for this estimate could not pin down an accurate measurement, but said the educated guess was made after “seeing the amount of water that was displaced” when Jones boarded a cruise ship last week.
The heavy backlash against her decision did not deter the portly Jones from moving forward. “I will continue to eat what I want when I want, and who I want. I have the determination of a glacier. I will carve anything in my way into valleys of destruction.”
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