New Cult Created for Drinking Kool-Aid
on 1/18/2005 (2)
Many of us have fond memories as children of downing an ice-cold glass of Kool-Aid after a hard-fought game of stickball or capture the flag. Yet as we have grown, this stage has left us behind like so many melted G.I. Joe action figures and Transformers cartoons. But a small group of Kool-Aid drinkers have remained addicted to the juice and long suffered alone, fighting through endless sugar buzzes and red or purple stained t-shirts well into their adult years.
|Go ahead, have a drink... you know you wanna... |
"I used to sneak downstairs in my parents' house with a bag of sugar, a couple gallons of water, a giant wooden spoon, and as many Kool-Aid packets as I could carry," said Jack Jones, founder of the People's Cult for Kool-Aid. "I felt ashamed, but I shouldn't have. And that's why I started this cult, so that overweight, lazy, weak-minded people addicted to colored sugar water would no longer have to live in shame and could be with others just like them."
The first meeting of the People's Cult for Kool-Aid was held last Tuesday in Indianapolis, Indiana and was a resounding success.
"We had six attendees for the inaugural meeting," said a bright-eyed Jones. "That's twice what I could have hoped for."
"It was amazing, I didn't know there were other people just like me," said Susan Jenkins. "They told me just what I wanted to hear, they all mean so much to me. I'd do anything for the cult."
"I'd kill for them if they asked me too," said another participant. "Please ask me to kill."
The meeting lasted four hours and consisted of discussion on topics like government, religion, nuclear war, and minor-league soccer. And of course, they all drank the Kool-Aid.
"I had so much I thought I was going to die," said one participant, who was found dead hours later. Early investigations seem to indicate he was poisoned with a mixture of Valium and cyanide, probably stirred into something he drank.
"It's sad to lose a member, but I am sure his spirit has transcended to a better place," said Jones. "Now who wants Kool-Aid?"
With the huge success of the People's Cult for Kool-Aid, meetings have been scheduled on a bi-monthly timetable. As Jones stated at the end of his previous meeting, "the time has come for us to meet in another place," and thus the next meeting will be in San Francisco, California, a much larger venue for the "eight or nine people" Jones expects to attend the second meeting.
Kraft Foods Incorporated, owners of the Kool-Aid brand, have yet to officially endorse the cult and seem hesitant to do so.
"In the past we have had trouble with bad press generated by cults using our product and are hesitant to endorse any cult despite how noble their intentions," said Kraft spokesman John Pognog. "I mean, we sent Jonestown all the grape Kool-Aid they could drink and look at how badly that turned out."
Pognog is referring to an incident involving over nine-hundred people that died after drinking their product in 1978. While sales rose 250% with the suicidal crowd, it took sales with average consumers nearly ten years to return to their previous mark.
"I understand Kraft is hesitant due to many past circumstances, but I can assure<
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