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On Tour with Satan's Left Nut
by Kris on 9/3/2002 (0)

Satan's Left Nut rocking down like only Satan's Left Nut can.
As the opening act retreated to backstage, the crowd grew silent in anticipation. Minutes seems like two minutes, two minutes seemed like three minutes. After nearly ten minutes of waiting, the patient crowd was rewarded as Satan's Left Nut (SLN) finally took the stage, wearing their traditional yellow raincoats. Once the first note of their award winning song "Tear off their heads and shit down their throats" began, the crowd burst into a frenzy of applause, yelling, cheering, and a general disorderly behavior. Moshe pits surged and threatened to engulf the band itself and the intensity of their music became almost too much to bare. I too felt the excitement, but it was a bittersweet moment. Tonight marked the finally show of SLN's first world tour, lovingly dubbed the "Everyone at our concerts will die" World Tour. This wasn't the only thing weighing in on my emotions, for tonight also marked the last night I would be spending with the band before returning to my mundane world of work, schooling, and occasional bar fight. Over eight months ago, I submitted an article to be published by the world's premier music authority and automotive parts store, Smooth Operator. The article was about the up and coming young band, Satan's Left Nut. SLN had just released their first album, entitled "Everyone who buys our album wll die" and was about to began the "Everyone at our concerts will die" World Tour. They were raw and untested, but you could see a definite potential just waiting to break out it's tiny egg shell. The execs at Smooth Operator found my piece so profound that they wanted me to spend the next few months touring with SLN and to report back with just who, or what, Satan's Left Nut really is.

Proof that a Lexus can in fact fit into a backyard pool.
SLN ended their set that night with one of their slower pieces, "We're up in your house and we're going to get down with your sister" followed by an all new unreleased song "Your dog smells like shit and your house is on fire." Once the last piece was finished, SLN left the stage. The crowded chanted for more, but this would be the last time they would see Satan's Left Nut for many months. SLN's debut CD had gone triple uranium (sold a lot) and they were now off to the studio to record their self-titled second album "Self-titled Second Album". I said goodbye to the band as well. These guys had become more than just a feature piece to me in the past few months. I had started as an enemy to them, the evil rock critic. Now though, they were almost like an incredibly dysfunctional family. I'll never forget when Marvin and I broke into that bakery and ate an entire wedding cake all by ourselves, or when Triangle Bob and I drove Marvin's Lexus into some guy's pool, then took off running... man, that guy was pissed, and so was Marvin when we told him his car was stolen in the night (that man with the pool spent the next three days in jail for grand theft auto). These are just two of the events that have forever left a mark on me. Not just as a person, but as a person who never toured with a heavy metal band before. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I left the arena to return to my miserable excuse for a life.

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