Scientist Discovers Way to Combine Cougars and Lasers
You. Yeah, you. I know what you're thinking. That's right, I'm psychic. Well, not really, but for the sake of this article, let's say I am. You're thinking to yourself 'Hey, why haven't scientists found a way to combine lasers and cougars." Well, first of all, that's a weird thing to think about. Most people don't think about cougars and lasers. But let's forget about that, because it's your lucky day. A breakthrough in the study of cougars and lasers has been made.
|You think that's scary now... imagine it with a laser. |
Dr. Ellen Dane, expert in the field of cougarology explains. "As you may or may not know, a cougar is a vicious animal. It feeds on fear, anxiety, and terror. If you run into a cougar in an alley, you better hope you've got a loaded shotgun in your hands, or at least some sort of spear or lance. That's when it hit me: such a vicious creature could be helpful to the United States, especially if used against our enemies. So I thought to myself...how can we make these cougars even more dangerous? Well, the answer was simple. Lasers. And lots of them."
Using the latest in bio-techno surgery, massive lasers have been implanted into the backs of the cougars. Using mind power and a little bit of elbow grease, these cougars will be able to shoot out beams of high energy into the bodies of our enemies. Sound ridiculous? More like Ridiculously devious. And yeah, it's pretty messed up.
Dr. Dane defends the criticism surrounding her creations. "It's not cruel at all. The cougars love having the lasers, really. They have a ball walking through the forest, blasting other animals into dust. Why, just yesterday I saw a group of cougars evaporate a herd of caribou. It was cute."
Of course, if these cougars are able to wipe out other creatures so easily, isn't it a matter of time before they overtake the globe?
She brushes it off with a smile. "I hear this all the time. To protect us from the super-cougars, we've trained an army of eagles to carry vats of lava in their talons. When the cougars get out of hand, lava will be dropped on them immediately, taking care of the problem. If you can think of a better way to handle it, I'd like to hear it."
Before the next question can be asked, Dr. Dane cuts in. "And no, I don't want to hear your better way. We've settled on the lava-eagles, they're already up in the skies. If we try to call them down, they will spill lava on our faces."
Lava-eagles? Super-cougars? Is this really the beginning of the end? The only person who would know that is Gordie A. MacGall, a 39 year old man who lives in his parent's basement who claims to have visited the future.
"Yes. The future is very bleak. Tom Petty will stop making rock, and will focus on strange elctro-pop that terrifies everyone. David Letterman will be replaced by Cal Ripken Jr. Donkey Kong Jr. will be added to the American Flag. And yes, as you may have already guessed, the cougars will be our supreme leaders. The lasers on their backs will mutate them into super-intelligent creatures who can answer every Jeopardy question. Yes, even Double Jeopardy."
Faced with the accusation of a desolate future, Dr. Dane shakes her head. "Mr. MacGall is clearly mentally handicapped. Scien
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