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Guy With Stanky Breath Finally Goes To Dentist, Starts Getting Dates
by Mark on 1/26/2005 (0)

"My God! I can see Uranus from up here!!"

LOCKJAW, NV - Stanky breath guy Russel Heinz goes to dentist, solves datelessness mystery

Scraping 6 years of crunchy plaque from Heinz's gumline like a McDonald's fryboy from a grille on Super Bowl 2 fer' 1 Big Mac Sunday, dentist Rakeesh Patel swabbed his brow and desperately gasped for fresh air

"My God, Mr. Heinz! I must say, this is indeed appalling! I have not seen this much raw sewage since my boyhood in Calcutta! I must insist that you come in sooner next time, or I shall be inclined to decline you my services!"

Russel Heinz was not alone.

Heinz is merely one of millions of Americans, both male and female, who often neglect dental exams and cleanings, citing a busy lifestyle or lack of dental insurance as a primary cause.

In addition to being dentally challenged, these odiforous, forlorn creatures of self-neglect are typically single, divorced and dateless...and for obvious reasons.

Hapless participants in 'please-don't-call-me-I'll-call-you' abortive Friday night dating, dentaphobes usually compound their lonliness through outdated Western clothing, 1950's beehive hairdos, puffy brown marshmallow Foot Locker suede velcro loafers and a weird variety of goatees, ponytails, lambchop sideburns, colognes and perfumes of all scents and colors of the olfactory rainbow.

But fantastically, sometimes the obvious cure is not at all clear...

Two months later, Russel Heinz was back in the dating game once more.

"For years I couldn't figure it out! I bought a BMW, new suits, got a good job...and then it hit me. I can't believe I missed it!"

Heinz beamed joyfully

"I brushed my teeth!"

Heinz has reportedly pondered gargling on a daily basis but admits "He'll work his way into that slowly."i0" style="display:no

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