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Pounding Nails into your Skull Becomes a National Fad
by Andy Leeds on 1/27/2005 (2)

In a previous exclusive (Ironman's Secret Power Source Revealed), Smooth Operator reporter Mark "I'll pay next time" Motz revealed the secret the Pentagon did not want you to know, the real truth behind Ironman's super powers.

Our source, who cannot be named but was anyways, Neurosurgeon Dr. Anoop Gupta, revealed that a cranial nail in the skull "acts like an enormous biochemical battery, the cupro-tin nail acting as a cathode, the iron suit as an anode, and his bodies own salinity as an electrolyte. I'm guessing [Ironman] can produce 700 volts on a good day. That certainly would explain his super powers."

Two weeks later, a new fad has taken the playgrounds and malls nationwide by storm. Ohio Roulette or Ironing, as it is known on the street, has replaced more mundane pursuits such as Pogs, kiss chasing, and hanging out.

Local teenager Tad Wilson explained, "Ironing is cool man, since we found out how the dude got his powers every kid on the block has tried to be just like Tony Stark [Ironman]. It's pretty easy really, all you need is a nail gun or hammer and a couple of nails."

"I used a Paslode Cordless Im250a Impulse Angle Brand nailer" added his unknown friend, who then collapsed dead onto the floor, most likely from something other than a nail in the head.

X-rays of Tad Wilson and his unnamed Friend.

Concerned mother Amy Nightingale has called for the laws regarding sales of nails to be tightened. "Nail guns don't kill people, nails do. If we put an age limit on the sale of nails, then this craziness would be over within hours. I blame Smooth Operator, it's just irresponsible to reveal how superheroes become empowered. We have national security for a reason."

"No more mouthing off" Jimmy Hauser.
However Suzanne Hauser has a different view. "Kids will be kids, let them play, they grow up too soon anyway. I can't see what harm it can do, my Jimmy was just plain bad news until he got involved in Ironing. He used to steal, fight and lord knows what. Since he got ironed he's been a changed boy. Nowadays he's a nice as can be, no more mouthing off, he's always home by 6 and his grades have improved. I always say growing boys need a hobby"

While Ironing may be good news for comic book stores and hardware outlets, it looks certain to be bad news for a large number of concerned parents.


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Comments

1. by Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
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2. by Leeds on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
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