AskJeeves.com Involved in Murder Conspiracy
on 1/27/2005 (2)
Internet web search AskJeeves.com has recently been charged with conspiracy to commit murder relating to the January 13th death of Sally Walters. Local police have told us that not only did Jeeves instruct confessed murderer Tim Walters to kill his wife but also how to cover it up.
|When good Butlers go bad. |
"I was really down on my luck," Tim confessed to police. "I didn't know what to do, so I asked the one person that had always been there for me, Jeeves."
Reportedly, Tim's wife Sally had been cheating on him with the gardener. And the mailman. And the pool boy, the maid, the other gardener, and the guy that bagged their groceries at the local store.
"She was a whore, no doubt about it," said Sally's father Richard. "But she was my little whore."
Tim discovered a multitude of Sally's assorted affairs when he returned home early after being fired from his job at the cheese factory.
"All day all I ever heard was 'make the cheese'," said Tim. "Then I decided that I didn't want to make the fucking cheese anymore."
As you may expect, Tim's boss didn't take this news well.
"We pay Tim to make cheese, but he no make the cheese," said Ugar Walnut. "So he no have job now."
Tim returned home expecting the comforting of his loving wife. Instead, he walked in on his wife and the gardener. And the mailman. And the pool boy, the maid, the other gardener, and the guy that bagged their groceries at the local store.
As the massive gangbang subsided, Tim turned to AskJeeves.com for some glimmer of hope and comfort.
"I told Jeeves my situation and asked him what I should do," said Tim. "Not only did Jeeves tell me to kill my wife, he gave me a list of good locations to dump the body."
Tim entered the bedroom where his wife was near unconscious on the bed. After chasing out the remaining gardener, Tim smothered his wife with an inflatable sex doll he found on the floor.
"I was angry, I wasn't thinking straight," said a teary-eyed Tim. "At that point, I would have done anything anyone told me. I just wish that Jeeves had told me to eat a sandwich or go for a walk, but he asked me to kill. And I did."
Lawyers for Tim will argue that he was temporarily insane due to the trauma of finding his wife "having hardcore, freaky sex" with six other guys. They will say Jeeves knowingly manipulated Tim into killing his wife, possibly out of jealousy.
"Sally loved rival search engine Google, it was common knowledge," said Tim's lawyer Johnny Compren. "Jeeves was jealous, and he was hurt. Sally could be with six other men, seven if you count her husband, but she still turned Jeeves away."
Tim's lawyers will also argue that while the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas had a breathtaking volcano show, it was a horrible place to bury a body.
Tim is currently facing life in prison for the murder of his wife. AskJeeves.com is facing ten years in prison and thousands of dollars in fines and community service.
When we asked Jeeves for his thoughts on this touchy subject, his responses were largely vulgar and revolved around his plans to create a "dirty bomb" from schematics he found on th
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