Backwater Town Replaces Jury with Magic 8 Ball
Crakerville Tennessee, population 13. This small backwater town has remained largely untouched by technology and personal hygiene products for nigh on 80 years. That was until a new Sheriff came to town. Chief of police Bubba Ray Dion, although he could never be called a visionary, certainly plans to put his grade school education to some use.
|It's a precob. |
"I seed it on the television machine," said Bubba Ray. "Them whatcha ma call ems, precobs what cud see the future an all. Then shoot, a little red pool ball come out with a name on it! So I starts a think'n..."
Drawing deeply on his command of the English language and common day stereotypes, Bubba Ray continued his explanation.
"Bubba I sez, ya'll got to get yerself one o them doohickeys. So I goes to old man Palmers, what runs the store and aks him, I explains what I seen and he give me this."
Bubba shows me a magic 8 ball explaining "It's a precob."
"Precog, from precognitive" I correct him.
"I don't care none for your fancy lawyer speak, it knows what's right from wrong and that's good enough fer me, looksee it knows I is almost certainly chewin baccy."
After a long long conversation that would have had Darwin reaching for the white out, Bubba outlined the new judicial system that is now in effect. Once a suspect/suspects is/are caught and "hogtied" the precob will determine guilt. If yes, then sentencing is decided by a D20 die where the convicted serves their term and is then released for precobbin. (Bubba had obviously given this more thought that I gave him credit for). If no we go directly to precobbin.
The Precob will then be asked if the criminal intends to commit any more crimes in future, if found to be yes questioning will continue, If no then the accused is released, if unsure then precob asked again until it is sure.
Next the precob will be asked if any future crimes include murder. If yes, then death row awaits. If no, then the length of time in prison is determined by a simple roll of a die as the suspect is merely guilty of undetermined planned crime.
"Of course we don't have no death row so's I just shoots em, but I keeps the purdy ones" Bubba giggled.
After checking with the Tennessee governors office, nobody was as surprised as I was to learn that due to a legal loophole and an oversight by the boundaries commission, Crakerville does not come into the state's jurisdiction. In fact, Alabama and Georgia were both quick to deny responsibility too.
So with this bizarre brand of D&D justice deemed legal by default, would be criminals in Crakerville better watch out because Bubba has his eye on you, You May Rely On Itone">
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