Web Surfer Attacked by Shark
on 2/16/2005 (5)
Jackson County, Iowa paramedics Ted Washington and Josh Fox arrived to a horrific scene at the home of William Larson. This was a scene that, even with their combined thirty-four years of experience, they had never seen nor imagined in their wildest nightmares.
|I think we're gonna need a bigger boat! |
"It reminded me a lot of my bachelor party, there was blood all over the walls," said Washington. "Except this time, it was a bloody teenager on the floor, not a dead hooker."
The paramedics removed William's pants to attend to the wound, though an internal investigation is currently being performed to determine if there is any truth to the rumors that they only did this to "check out the size of his junk".
"What we saw appeared to be a large bite mark on his upper thigh, too big to be from any sort of dog or gremlin," said Fox. "We didn't see any indication in the room as to what caused the bite mark, so we bandaged the wound best we could and rushed Mr. Larson to the hospital."
William Larson arrived at the hospital near death. He was immediately stitched up and given a blood transfusion. His condition soon stabilized. Days later, he was coherent and able to recall his trying ordeal.
"I was surfing the Internet, for education purposes of course," said Larson. "I definitely was not looking at goat porn."
Larson says he was sitting at his desk in front of the computer when he felt a sharp pain in his right thigh.
"It was like that time they tried to make me run in gym class," recalled Larson. "It hurt so bad."
After the initial attack, Larson was picked up by his thigh and drug around the room, bouncing off furniture and knocking numerous priceless science fiction collectables to the floor.
"They suddenly whatever had grabbed me let go and I fell to the floor," said Larson. "I felt like Spock at the end of Star Trek 2, lying on the floor of the reactor room just waiting to die."
Fortunately for William, his mother, whom he still lived with, entered the room to offer him a sandwich and found him unconscious on the floor.
"I saw my boy, laying on the floor in a pool of blood," recalled a horrified Mrs. Larson. "At first I thought it was just another of his Dungeons and Dragons games, but when I saw his R2-D2 phone on the floor, I knew it had to be serious."
When asked what it was that attacked him, Larson was unsure.
"It seemed like a shark, but I was on a lot of nasal medication at the time, so I could have been delusional."
Police investigations after the incident have shed some light on this unusual attack.
"It appears the perpetrator entered through an open window, crawled across the floor using his pectoral fins, and bit through Mr. Larson's chair and into his leg," said lead investigator Jeffery Willis. "Evidence indicates that Mr. Larson was pleasuring himself to goat porn at the time and his movements were probably mistaken for that of an injured walrus or sea cow."
"This seems like a logical explanation," commented Dr. Ralph Sharp, expert in the field of shark research. "The shark probably took a bite into Mr. Larson and when it realized he was human, the shark let him go
page has been viewed 19487 times