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Terror Level Raised After Shoe Throwing Incident
by Kris on 2/18/2005 (0)

The most recent of terrorism attacks, throwing a shoe.
Earlier today at a debate in Portland, Oregon, former Pentagon adviser Richard Perl was debating with Howard Dean, the newly appointed leader of the Democratic Party, when a protester threw a shoe at Perl.

The protester was quickly apprehended and taken into custody, but this incident has revealed another possible weakness in US homeland security, leading to a drastic increase in the national terror alert level.

Previous to today, the terror alert level had been at yellow (elevated). Shortly after this shoe-throwing incident, the terror alert level was raised all the way to red (severe), indicating the threat of a terrorist attack is eminent.

“US intelligence has revealed that terrorists have shoes,” said President George Bush at a nationally televised press conference earlier today. “This is a threat we were previously unaware of, but now that it has come to light, we must do everything we can to avoid the possibility of terrorist shoe attacks.”

Current estimates show that of the thousands of terrorist plotting against the United States, nearly 90% of them have access to shoes. This is a far steeper percentage than those that have access to biological or chemical weapons.

“While they aren’t individually as deadly as other weapons of mass destruction, the shear number of shoes worldwide is unprecedented,” said Chertoff. “It could take as many as twenty years before we could effectively remove shoes from the hands of terrorists.”

And while biological and chemical weapons can expensive, many of which cost thousands of dollars each, shoes can be produced relatively cheaply.

“Thanks to sweatshops employing young children for minuscule wages, shoes can be manufactured for just pennies each,” said Chertoff. “Price appears to no longer will be a concern when it comes to terrorism.”

The Department of Homeland Security is working diligently to neutralize this new threat. Purchasing of shoes now requires an extensive background check and a seven-day waiting period, similar to that of purchasing firearms. Airports nationwide are being advised to have passengers check their shoes with their baggage.

“A shoe in the wrong hands can be just as deadly as a gun or knife,” said Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security. “We would hate to see another plane held hostage by a terrorist in possession of shoes.”

Finally, the public has been asked to report all suspicious shoe wearers to the local authorities, especially those with “shifty eyes”.

Winner 7.15.05
“The threat of a terrorist shoe attack is real, more real than I can possibly imagine,” said President Bush. “But if we all work together, and accept some small measure of inconvenience, nationwide freedom can be preserved.”

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