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DOS XP
by Kris on 9/14/2002 (9) 
 | | Actual screenshot of DOS XP in action. | In a world ruled by Windows (and a race of hyper intelligent Super Shrimp, but mostly ruled by Windows), another OS is on the horizon, an OS so terrible that it will leave all other OS's in it's horrible, vengeful, bloody wake. This OS will beat the snot out of all other OSs and use their blood soaked corpses as fertilizer in it's lawn. If you had to relate this OS to a movie character, it would be that Russian guy from Rocky IV that beats the crap out of Apollo Creed, except this OS would not lose to Rocky at the end of the movie. This OS has been secretly in development here at the Smooth Operator for the past three weeks and nears completion as we speak. As you have probably guessed by now, this OS is the successor to the high popular MS-DOS. And in keeping with the Microsoft naming conventions, this almighty OS will be forever known as DOS XP.
 | | Do not be afraid, unless you are Apollo Creed... Are you Apollo Creed? | "People are tired of windows. They're tired of fancy icons and needless eye candy," said project manager Winston Churchill (no relation to THE Winston Churchill, although they both often wore hats). "People want a system that's fast. They want a system that isn't bogged down with needless programs and talking paperclips. When we decided that we would build our own operating system, these were the things that we looked to fix first. And when we looked at DOS, it solved these problems. It couldn't be more perfect."
"People inherently like DOS," claims lead programmer Hypothetical Lead Programmer, "It's simple and easy to use. Through extensive testing of humans and lab rats, we've found that the Windows environment, and all GUIs for that matter, have left people in a state of confusion. People are easily confused, rats even more so. Two or three icons are nice, but when you exceed that amount, it leads to unnecessary searching, clicking, drinking, and mental problems that can only be described as homicidal rage with fits of delusion. This actually reduces user productivity by nearly 6%! With DOS XP, we've totally eliminated these problems. Now to load a program, all you have to do is remember the name of the program and it's location in the file structure and you're good to go. No more searching for the icon that says Word, now you can directly type in C:Progra~1Micros~1Wordword.exe! People are going to greatly enjoy this new simplicity."
DOS XP will also have a number of new features besides the interface that users can look forward too. In keeping with the leading edge of technology, DOS XP will be the first operating system to incorporate a revolutionary new system for keyboard shortcuts. This will allow you to be able to copy text and perform other tasks, such as pasting text, by simply pressing Ctr-C. And it doesn't matter what task you want to perform, DOS XP will know what you want to do, it can read your mind! So you will use Ctr-C for all shortcuts, which will make things extremely easy for the common user, eliminating the need for remembering multiple shortcut combinations.
 | | Even the mighty Bill Gates will fall to that which is DOS XP. | DOS XP will also have an advanced system for Plug and Play support. DOS XP will inst
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