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Americans Hate the Department of Motor Vehicles
by Kris on 3/1/2005 (0)

Wow... so that's what Hell looks like.
The Department of Motor Vehicles has been around since the invention of the automobile thousands of years ago. They built their company by forcing the public to purchase expensive identifying plates for their vehicles and paying for the right to drive vehicles they had already spent thousands of dollars on to purchase. Under the guise of keeping the roads safe, they have successfully swindled millions of dollars from the American public. And they've done it all with exceptionally slow, and often questionable, service.

"I went to a party they other day," said frustrated DMV customer Todd Wilson. "They had clowns, and games, and lots of cake. It was great... the DMV was like, the exact opposite of that."

One of the founding principles of this great country of the United States of America is freedom of expression. And there is no greater expression that American's pride themselves in than the ability to express their general dislike of things they generally don't like.

"The DMV is a horrible, horrible place," said New York City resident John Best. "It makes going shopping with my mother-in-law seem like a pleasant afternoon picnic with the girls from Hooters."

Recent polls, taken by robots designed specifically for that purpose, have shown that 95% of Americans have had negative experiences at the DMV. Additionally, 65% of Americans think the DMV is an accurate representation of Hell and 35% of Americans are afraid of robots that take polls.

One of the prime complaints against the DMV is the long wait times associated with each visit. Studies have show the typically wait time for renewing a driver's license is between 30 minutes and six years.

"The sign told me to take a number, so I did," said Denver resident Nathan Jones. "Well, the number I got was 1,205. The current customer was 6. I missed the birth of my child and the first two years of her life waiting in that line. And to make things worse, my wife thought I was dead and remarried. Now I have to sleep on the couch in my own house while I listen to her and my brother make sweet love!"

Many other Americans have ran into instances where the clerks at the DMV have been "completely anal" about certain procedures. DMV offices often specify strange forms of identification, such as accepting photo identification only if it is from the year 1987, or odd payment options, such as a DMV office in Rhode Island that only accepts nickels and Twinkies as payment. One DMV office in Alabama won't even allow you to enter their building unless you are dressed as one of the characters from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

"I tried to write out a check at the DMV once, boy was that a hassle," recalls Detroit's Ralph Manning. "They took a blood sample, ran a DNA test, and I was even anally probed. Eventually, they rejected my check when they determined the letter 'l' in my first name could possibly be the number one, which did not match the uppercase lettering of my name on my DNA results."

For years, the American public has not been able to find out the reason why the DMV experience is such a bad one. This stems from a strict code of silence among DMV clerks. It is rumored that brea


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