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Musicians Establish Country after Violent Invasion
by Simon G. on 3/9/2005 (0)

If you see this guy trying to kill you and take over your country, run.
It was a normal day for the peasants of Liechtenstein. Wandering through their fields, milking cows, eating fresh bread and having a general day in their God-fearing lives. But it was not God they should have feared.

A distant echo washed over the fields. Three guitar chords, played at 5 second intervals. And it seemed to be getting closer. Children ran into their homes, some crying from the harsh riffs, unable to comprehend the heavy electric tune. Womenfolk grabbed their washing and fled, while men took pitchfork in hand and prepared for the worst.

Suddenly, a figure appeared on appeared on the hill nearby, flanked by two others holding amps. A microphone was propped in front of the figure, and after a coughing fit, he spoke. “My name is Keith Richards,” he spoke, “And you can start me up!” More coughing followed, and then the three chord riff played again.

Puzzled, the citizens of the town opened their mouths to speak, but the arrival of hundreds more musicians, armed to the teeth, caused them to soil themselves instead. All at once, the musicians charged forwards, and so began the Great Musician Invasion of ’05.

Nick Cave rode in on a horse he called “The Wild Rose” (though its real name was Eliza Dane) and managed to slay at least twenty men. After three minutes, however, he smashed a rock into the head of his steed and continued on foot.

Metallica rode in on a jeep and quickly became the harvesters of sorrow, mowing down hundreds of fleeing people. Beside them, Bruce Springsteen opened fire on the fleeing peasants with forty-one shots, then began to take down his enemy with his human touch.

Finally, when all that was left of the people of Liechtenstein was a mangled pitchfork and a silo full of wheat, Axl Rose climbed the mountain and proclaimed that this would be the new home of rock musicians all over the world, a paradise city so to speak. Cheers and applause met this announcement, and plans were soon made to make a monarchy for the country that they had dubbed “Rockin’ Land”.

But how did the United Nations react to this unauthorised invasion? Kofi Annan, after being briefed, was quick to make a comment. “In all honesty, I don’t think anyone in the United Nations liked Liechtenstein,” he said to the press, “I mean, come on, it’s way cooler to have a country of rockers then farmers and whatever else they had.”

“Rockin’ Land is obviously the greatest place in the world,” said spokesperson David Bowie, “I mean, we have me. And I’m the freaking Son of God. But the Pope can’t make his new palace here. You’re only allowed in on a temporary pass if you can play the opening riff to Stairway To Heaven. We have to have standards, people.”

The only country to oppose the invasion was Iran. In a bold move during an emergency meeting of the General Assembly, the Iranian minister threw his shoe at the Rockin’ Land spokesperson, Leonard Cohen. As the minister was removed from the venue, kicking and screaming, Cohen punched the Iranian minister in the face. When questioned, Cohen simply replied, “Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.”


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