Quicksand Leading Accidental Killer of Morons
on 3/22/2005 (0)
Morons find plenty of ways to accidentally kill themselves, from drowning in a soup bowl to covering themselves in honey and crawling into a nest of fire ants and even forgetting to eat for days on end. But a recent poll by the American Society for Statistics (ASS) has determined that quicksand is the leading killer of morons nationwide.
|The vengeful wrath of quicksand. |
"Moron deaths in quicksand have risen at an alarming rate," said ASS founder Steven Zorba. "You can hardly find a pit of quicksand these days that doesn't have a moron stuck in it."
There were over 1,000 moron deaths last year related to quicksand. This easily eclipses the second leading accidental killer of morons, walking into a jet engine turbine.
Quicksand is formed when sand becomes oversaturated with water and can no longer support any weight. It may be a naturally occurring phenomenon but most times is a trap created by molemen to capture humans. If a person were to step into this mixture, they would sink deep into the sand. Generally, most people of a normal IQ prefer not to die in a pool of sand and water or face slavery at the hands of molemen and in turn do their best to avoid quicksand. Unfortunately this concept, much like math and science, is wasted on morons.
"The idea of a solid substance, in this case sand, not being able to support the weight of your body is completely incomprehensible to morons," said Dr. Richard Davis, one of the world's leading authorities in the study of why stupid people die. "Most morons become totally confused and began thrashing about in the quicksand, causing themselves to sink very quickly. In a few instances, a moron will actually place their head deep into the sand in hopes of getting a better view of what is going on."
To see firsthand the interaction of a moron and quicksand, Smooth Operator scientists setup a small pool of quicksand in Mark Motz's office. We then placed a trail of chocolate candies leading into the heart of the quicksand.
Our test subject Doug is a 28 year old high school dropout. He left school when he was 18 to make his fortune in life, but when the pyramid scheme market went belly-up, he was forced into collecting pop cans from under the bleachers at sporting events to get by. Without proper education and a debilitating addiction to paint thinner, Doug's IQ plummeted to 7, which clearly places him in the 4 to 25 IQ range that qualifies a person as a moron.
"Outsmarted again," yelled Doug as he sank into the quicksand for the ninth straight time. We let him thrash about until he was waist-deep before helping him escape. Once out, he immediately leapt back in, then started screaming for help.
Results of our live testing determined that even after Doug had become trapped in the quicksand numerous times, and in one case we even labeled the pit as quicksand and told him not to go in, he could not avoid it. Like a starving Lion to a broken down bus full of overweight tourists, our moron was inexplicably attracted to quicksand, though an exact reason for this has yet to be determined.
"It's them chasing a butterfly, it could be that they feel the quicksand is a good place for a picnic, or there could even be some grea
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