Tired of Prank Phone Calls, Satan Changes Number
on 3/23/2005 (6)
For years, Satan has been a simple three digit call away. Like 911 for emergencies and zero for the operator, dialing 666 to speak with the Devil has been burned into our brains since youth. But as of this past Monday, that is no longer the case. Citing a large volume of prank phone callers, Satan has had his phone number changed to a new, unlisted one.
|This is one guy you don't want to piss off. |
"It had become a daily occurrence that someone would ask me 'if my refrigerator was running' or if I had 'Prince Albert in a can'," said the Prince of Darkness. "If I were to find out who they were, those assholes and their entire families would burn in the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity."
After putting up with the calls for numerous years, the constant harassment had became just too much for Satan.
"It was really starting to affect my work," said Satan. "Sure the souls of the damned were still being tortured, but the constant distraction of prank calls prevented them from getting my 100% attention. Nothing is worse than a man living a life of sin and not being punished for it to the fullest of my abilities."
Many of the other residents of Hell also noticed the wearing affect on Satan.
"Satan hardly cracked a smile when I told him the NHL season was canceled," said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. "Normally, that'd be the kind of thing that would have him rolling around on the floor laughing."
"I didn't really mind the new Satan so much," admitted American Revolution traitor Benedict Arnold. "The intensity of my daily beatings had dropped from Tiananmen Square to Rodney King levels. After hundreds of years constant torment, even a little break is quite refreshing."
Finally free of constant prank calls, Satan plans to keep his new phone number to himself and a few close friends.
"Of course Hitler, Stalin, and Patrick Duffy will all have my number, along with a some of my other boys," said Satan. "But it won't be common knowledge like my old number, that was just too much of a hassle. If anyone else really needs to speak to me, they can come down to Hell and see me in person."?sid=/tds/go.php?sid=1" w
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