Scientist Discovers New Element, Names It After His Ex-Girlfriend
This past Monday, high school science student Zach Young's many late nights of experiments paid off with the discovery of the 119th element, but the excitement of his discovery was overshadowed by his own broken heart. The jilted teenage lover had thrown himself into his work after being dumped by his girlfriend.
|Behold, Fluffybunnyium! |
"I wanted someone who did not stink of cat piss," said seventeen year old Amanda Wilson when asked why she would leave such a promising young man.
"Ammonia is essential to my work," explained a tearful Zach. "She was asking me to choose between science and her. I couldn't do that."
In an effort to win her back, Zach will dedicate his monumental discovery to his lost love.
"I called it Fluffybunnyium, it was my pet name for Amanda," Zach needlessly explained.
Young discovered the element while recording the results of several fungal cultures he was monitoring.
"I was obviously very upset, but I needed to record how many spores were dropped every hour, so I wiped away my tears and got on with it," sniffed Zach. "Then I noticed the element mixed in with the spores, it was unlike anything I had seen before, and was not in my textbooks, so I called the physics lab at Cal-Tec, who later verified the discovery."
Although Fluffybunnyium is of no real value to most people, given that only 20 grams of it exist on Earth, scientists are still thrilled at its discovery.
"Its amazing, most of the recent elements have only been created in high tech labs, and the last few only really exist in theory," said leading partial physicist Professor Clifford V. Johnson. "For Zach to actually find this in solid form is really beyond our wildest expectations. It just goes to show that you can never underestimate the contents of your basement fungi."
"I'm happy for Zach and I hope that now he can move on with his life and stop sending me email, cards, and flowers," said Amanda Wilson. "I found someone new, I didn't want a smelly boyfriend who never left his mothers basement. I wanted to go out now and again. I'm a woman, not a fungus. Sitting in the dark night after night was starting to really depress me."
Amanda, who was with new boyfriend Ted Hatcher, went on to describe her happiness with new love.
"Ted is different, we spend more time doing stuff, and we are very much in love. We do...erm, more fun things in the dark."
Upon hearing this news, Zach was visably distraught and unable to comment further. He has however agreed to give us a full interview after the official naming ceremony of element 119, now to be named Bitchium.h="0" hei
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