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Government Unveils Newly Constructed Food Pyramid
by Kent Wicker on 4/21/2005 (0)

The original, and now very dated, food pyramid.
The Food and Drug Administration this morning announced the creation of a new food pyramid. This change comes largely in response to critics who claim the old pyramid was biased toward the unhealthy starchy food favored by large agri-business concerns, and that it had lost a good deal of its pyramid shape.

The new food pyramid, located just to the north of the Lincoln Memorial, measures 75 by 75 feet at its base and is 60 feet tall. The bottom layers comprise large blocks of ice (constantly cooled by fans) in which are embedded various cuts of meat, ranging from beef and pork to chicken, fish and lizard, surrounded by bins of whole grains. Above this level are the denser fruits and vegetables, such as potatoes, melons, squashes, turnips, rutabagas, parsnips and carrots, many of which have already begun to trickle down as the ice below melts to fill in between the meats and grains. Additional fruits and vegetables are being added to compensate for this tendency. The upper layers of the pyramid comprise the lighter vegetables and those fruit which might easily bruise. At the very pinnacle of the pyramid are Pinwheel ® cookies and Peeps ® marshmallow creatures, held in place by a dessert plate of cherry pie a la mode.

The National Association of Irate Ranchers protested the inclusion of vegetables in the pyramid. “If you use every part of a cow properly,” claimed spokesman Ira Trancher, “a body has no need of any other source of sustenance.” The Agribusiness Is America’s Business trade coalition objected to the low amounts of high fructose corn syrup in the pyramid, as well as the absence of any brand name labels.

Responding to reporters who questioned the purpose of maintaining an abstract solid composed of soon-to-be-rotting food, FDA spokesperson Eura Farmer said that the addition of ice to the pyramid – representing the forty-eight glasses of water that each adult should consume daily – would make this pyramid much more viable and less smelly than the previous pyramid. “Plus,” she pointed out, “it forms a nice vista in line with the Washington monument obelisk, and fulfills original plans for a pyramid on the Mall.”"0"<0" style


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