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I-I'm Having Chest Pains!!
by Mark on 4/23/2005 (0)

We're sending an ambulance for you immediately, Mr. Polen!
Job got you down? The ol' ball and chain sucking the life out of you? Think the droning, pointless charade called life goes on forever and ever? Think again! Here are some curious cardiac curtain calls that remind us that we're literally here one minute, gone the next.

Dave Thomas: Founder of the famous folksy Wendy's food chain which has sales of more than $8 billion a year, parlayed his taste for good food and friendly service and an innate knack for talking to people from their television sets into one of the world's most successful fast-food chains. In an (unrelated?) heart related fatality McDonald's CEO Jim Cantalupo joins Dave in the big fast-food meat mogul drive thru in the sky.

Jim Fixx: 52-year-old fitness guru Jim Fixx collapsed while out jogging July 20, 1984 and died of a massive heart attack. Autopsy revealed extensive heart disease with coronary artery blockages of 99%, 80%, and 70%. Just goes to show that fitness is not a 'fix' for coronary disease, not by a marathon long shot.

Brian Maxwell: Brian Maxwell, founder of the multi million-dollar PowerBar empire and a former world-class marathon runner, died of a heart attack at the age of 51 in an another ironic fitness theme fatality. Are marathons and PowerBars a deadly mix? Or just PowerBars alone? The jury's out.

Bela Lugosi: Silent film actor and star of Plan 9 from Outer Space, Bela Lugosi died of a heart attack in his apartment Los Angeles CA. He was buried wearing his Dracula cape. Have you ever seen Plan 9 from Outer Space? Don't forget the Cardizem!

Ole Bentzen (Danish physician d.1989): An audiologist who specialized in developing hearing aids for underdeveloped countries, Bentzen went to see the film A Fish Called Wanda. During a scene featuring John Cleese, Bentzen began laughing so hard that his heartbeat accelerated to a rate of between 250 and 500 beats a minute and he was seized by a heart attack and died. If laughter is the best medicine, the Seinfeld show should come with a warning label. Hoot!

Nelson Rockefeller: The official coroners report, issued by the competent New York State authority, states that Nelson Rockefeller died of a heart attack while he was having sexual intercourse on January 26, 1979. They say you can't take it with you, but this is close...real, real close.


Editor's note: Smooth Operator does not mean to make light of heart disease and the tragic loss of human life it causes. This editorial is meant to be instructional, as in how NOT to die from a heart attack!"0"<0" style


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