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Man Stranded On Desert Island Since 1980 Rescued, Remains Stranded Socially
by Mark on 5/6/2005 (3)

Why didn't I call 911 on my cellphone? What in Robinson fucking Crusoe is a cellphone?!?
(AP) A bearded, bedraggled man was rescued after being stranded since 1980 on remote Sand Key Island in the Bahamas Monday.

Still wearing the tattered remnants of a wide collared gray pinstripe suit, tie, and 2 inch high platform vinyl disco shoes, shipwreck survivor Stu Kowalski staggered uneasily up the grated ramp of the rescue barge, pausing occasionally to knock sand from his ears

"I-It's like a dream come true, man! I thought I'd never get off that Island! I fell, or perhaps was pushed, off the back of a Carnival honeymoon cruise back in 1980, and have been here ever since! I've been eating coconuts for 25 years! Ever try to crack a coconut with a rock? Sometimes the rock wins, sometimes it doesn't!"

Unbeknownst to Stu Kowalski, his shipwreck nightmare was just beginning. Back in civilization, once his warm reception back into modern society had worn off, Kowalski found himself totally unprepared for survival in the modern technical age

"I-I couldn't believe my eyes and ears, man. The last computer I did any work on was in high school programming lab in 1977. It was a Tandy model 1000, and when I applied for a data entry job after I was rescued, I asked where the 8" floppies went and where the acoustic phone couplers and dot matrix printer were. My co-workers just pointed fingers at me and laughed and laughed! They have color monitors, man! Freakin color monitors, and what's this "Internet" shit?...Free porn, man! I was totally blown away!"

After drifting aimlessly from disco bar to the classic vinyl sections of area record stores, Kowalski sunk further into the new social order of the new millennia

"What's with the aggressive women? Where did all the foreigners come from? What's this Rap Music shit? Where's Pink Floyd and Bob Seger, man?! And computers everywhere...computers in pharmacies, computers in shoe stores…even freakin' cops got computers in their cars, man!...H-Help!"

Kowalski is currently receiving financial aid and counseling from The Future Shock Institute, the same organization that recently helped to rehabilitate, at least partially successfully, a Japanese soldier found hiding in a cave on Okinawa since 1945.

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