Trojan Pizza Delivery Ends Prison Hostage Standoff
on 5/16/2005 (2)
Special Forces soldiers hiding inside pizza boxes were delivered to unsuspecting prisoners at Walton County Prison and were able to successfully end a nearly thirty hour standoff.
|Is that a Special Forces soldier in your pizza or are you just happy to see me? |
"We used a technique pioneered by the Romans against Nazi-ruled Germany over thirty years ago," said Special Forces leader Sergeant Dirk Witless. "It stopped Hitler then, and it stopped these prisoners today."
Twenty prisoners were involved in the standoff, which began Sunday when inmates occupied parts of the prison and took four guards hostage. The prisoners were enraged after being denied their choice of Sunday night television programming as a result of a Monopoly game turned violent earlier that day. One inmate choked to death after having his mouth filled with fake money while two others were beaten to death with tiny metal thimbles, irons, and top hats.
The prisoners in the standoff, who collectively wished to be referred to as "those who shall not be named", were demanding that the number of murders, stabbings, or riots had no bearing on their choice of nightly television programming. Many also asked for new books for the library.
"The real sticking point with the inmates was that they wanted full control of what they saw on TV." said senior prison official John Harper. "Sure now they wanted to see Family Guy, but what happens when Fox cancels it again? The last six times it was cancelled lead to riots. And worse still, they could start asking to watch Sex and the City. Can you imagine a prison full of inmates asking each other if they are a Samantha or a Charlotte?"
After over a day of failed negotiations, prison officials opted to send in the Special Forces for a "decisive ass kicking" as Sergeant Witless described.
At 9:52 PM, claiming that it was a "sign of good faith to hungry prisoners that had missed their dinners", a Dominos Pizza delivery van pulled up to the prison and unloaded the twenty pizzas. The prisoners quickly snatched up the pizzas and brought them back to the wing of the prison in which they had been hiding.
Once the pizzas were inside, the lights in the prison were cut and ten Special Force soldiers, dressed in black and equipped with night vision goggles, leapt from the pizza boxes and made short work of the prisoners, killing the inmates with a spray of bullets that would impress even John Rambo.
"We killed every last one of them," said a proud Sergeant Witless. "We even killed two guards that were trying to escape."
"We always hate to resort to violence, but we were left with little other choice," said Harper. "Negotiations had broken down and our sources had indicated that the prisoners had obtained weapons of mass destruction, most likely from terrorist sources. Something had to be done immediately."
Funerals for the two guards will be scheduled for later this week. Domino Pizza, for their part in this event, has offered a free large pizza with the purchase of any large pizza of equal or lesser value to the families of any of those killed during this tragic event.
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