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Pope Benedict Desires Porsche 911 To Replace Aging Pope Mobile
by Kris on 5/18/2005 (0)

Zoom zoom.
The Pope Mobile is often described as cute or funny. People smile at the quaintness of a grown man waving at his followers from inside his glass prison, like it's some sort of giant snow globe on wheels. While this image may have worked for the old Pope, newly elected Pope Benedict XVI hopes to see himself in something sportier and more fun.

"Dear brothers and sisters, I am but a simple, humble worker in God's vineyard," said Pope Benedict at a recent mass. "But that doesn't mean I shouldn't drive a kick ass car."

Largely influenced by his personal heritage, Pope Benedict is hoping his new Pope Mobile will be a German built Porsche 911 Turbo, although sources closed to him have heard him admit that a Porsche Boxster "would also be adequate".

Many inside the church worry about the image a sports car driving Pope would present to his followers and the dangers he would present to himself.

"The Pope is the face of the Catholic Church and should seen as a morally conscious, sensible man, not some sort of rebellious teenager," said one Cardinal. "Just look at Steve McQueen. He drove fast, and now he's dead."

Security concerns have also been raised about this new Pope Mobile. The old Pope Mobile was fitted with bulletproof glass and its framework was made of adimentium, one of the strongest materials known to man. This vehicle is capable of surviving protecting its occupants in up to a twenty megaton nuclear explosion. The new Pope Mobile would sacrifice such security measures in order to reduce weight and achieve a 4.8 second 0 to 60 mph time. Should the Pope be caught in any sort of assassination attempt or Detroit suburb while in his Porsche, he would have very little protection from the ensuing gunfire.

"I'm the Pope, who's gonna shoot me," said a very naive Pope Benedict, apparently very unaware of the thousands of non-Catholics and Celine Deon fans worldwide that relish nothing more than killing the 78 year old head of the Catholic Church.

A Porsche 911 Turbo currently retails for over 100,000 American dollars. Sources inside the Vatican are hopeful that they can work out some sort of deal to keep this cost down should they make this purchase.

"Maybe the Pope makes an appearance at the dealership, comes back a few times to get the oil changed, and they can sell us the car at cost," said Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls. "It would bring in great business for the dealership, so it would be win win for everyone. I have to assume we can work something out, after all, the car's for the freak'n Pope. Besides Dee Snider, he's the closest thing on Earth to God."0"<


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