The Horrible Life of Jane Phill
on 6/10/2005 (10)
Throughout the history of time itself, the Earth had faced many terrible villains and dealt with the likes of many despised figures. Some of the most notorious of these names include Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and The Iron Sheik. Each of these figures can be attributed with the deaths of thousands, either through military action, mass genocide, or the camel clutch. The mere mention of these names and their deeds will weaken the knees of even the most courageous of man. While their history is behind us, the dawning of a the 21st century has brought with it a new evil that makes these horrible people look like Marry Poppins by comparison. And her name is Jane Phill.
|The new face of evil. |
"It is rumored that when she feasts upon your body, she eats not only your flesh, but also your soul," said a waiter working at a restaurant near Jane's New York City residence. "She is also a lousy tipper. Five percent, what the hell is that?!?"
Jane Phill stands just five foot, seven inches tall and weighs all of 120 pounds. But do not let her small stature fool you, every ounce of her body is pure evil. Her heart pumps not red blood through her body like you or I, but rather a thick black sludge. Her tongue is forked, her feet are cloven, and she has a set of menacing horns upon her head. She is the Hell spawn of the biggest whore in New Orleans and Satan himself.
"I made the mistake of stealing a cab from her one day when I was late for work," said Jeremy Fetter. "Now I get so much junk email, my Hotmail account is nearly unusable! And as if that wasn't enough, she burnt down my house, kicked my dog, and had a steamy lesbian affair with my wife."
While Jane is prone to going to great lengths for retribution when she is crossed, her most despicable qualities lie in her underhanded methods of marketing numerous websites for her clients.
"Thanks to Jane, my websites receive over 10,000 visitors a day," said Drew Nelson, owner of numerous online casino websites. "People all across the world are now being falsely directed to my online casino website. And all it cost me was the ritual sacrifice of my firstborn child."
Jane generates traffic to her client websites by spamming message boards, comment sections on websites, and any other location on the web that allows a user to input data. She is cold and precise in her methods, which is in start contrast to the friendly "try our online blackjack, thanks!!!" message she spreads across the Internet.
"After Jane went through my site, there were so many links to free online slots and roulette tables that even my long time visitors thought that we had become an online casino site ourselves," said the webmaster of one former reputable news website. "We tried to delete her content, but it just kept coming. Eventually, we had to take down our site. Now I sell hotdogs out of the back of my van."
Al Gore, former Vice President and inventor of the Internet is understandably upset with Jane and her actions.
"It is a sad day when you must see something you built with your own hands become brutally ravaged in such a way," said Gore before an emergency Congressional meeting earlier this week. "Jane Phill is clearly a monster, worse than even the cave trolls of Moria. Her despicable acts are ruining the Internet for the rest of the world."
Congress is currently planning some sort of action to be taken against Jane after she recently blanketed many government websites with messages ranging from "visit these great gambling sites, thanks!!!" to "try out these free s
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