Jackson Verdict Vindicates The Right To Be Weird
on 6/14/2005 (3)
All across the world, weirdoes rejoiced as all twelve counts against Michael Jackson came back as not guilty, thus placing into legal record the notion that being strange is not a crime. Despite sharing a bed with young boys, dangling babies off balconies, and countless nose jobs, a jury of his peers, or as close to peers as he has, determined that none of this was a crime.
|"What's that? You think I'm weird? Well tough!" |
"Some people choose to live their life to the beat of a different drummer," said restaurant owner Dan Stevenson. "I like to wear my underwear on top of my pants, and thanks to this verdict, now I know that it is okay."
For many years weirdoes have been tried in court, and often convicted, for things that aren't really crimes but that other people find odd. In 1987, a North Carolina man was sentenced to five years in prison for telling family and friends he intended to marry his office stapler. In 1992, a Michigan man was fined over $5,000 for dressing as Admiral Ackbar (Star Wars character) and going door to door asking for people to set their canned tuna free. In 1993, a Minnesota couple admitted they enjoyed the television program "Blossom" and were placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the series.
"We were just trying to clean up the streets," said police chief Nathan Lane, who was a key figure in sentencing a 45 year old New Jersey man to life in prison for his preference for playing with dolls. "Sure many of the things we arrested these weirdoes for was legal, but it really creeped out normal people."
Now with legal precedence, weirdoes nationwide may finally be freed from unjust prosecution and imprisonment.
"It's been so tough to get our clients acquitted previous to this because there were no prior cases to look to," said Henry Jobson, legal representative to the weird. "Now when one of my clients is charged with brushing their teeth twelve times a day or only being able to eat when sitting on a giant mushroom, I can just cite the Jackson case as proof that being weird is no crime."
"Previously we would just haul in any dork, nerd, or weirdo we found on the street and we knew we could put them away for their strange behavior," said Police Officer Steven Marshal. "This ruling makes it infinitely more difficult to get a conviction. Now we'll probably have to start planting drugs on them to get their kind off the streets."isplay:0" style="display:no
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