The Tragic Lives of Ice-cream Vendors
on 9/25/2002 (4)
Most people think the live of an ice-cream vender is a sweet, sprinkle covered life. A life of no worries and constant access to a product so delicious it shouldn't be legal in Maine and parts of Delaware. Adored by children, elderly and small rat-like creatures, loved by the masses. Bringing joy on a hot summer day, living in huge mansions, dating supermodels, and sniffing glue. But most people never see the seedy underbelly of the ice-cream business. This is a business so deadly that if you were to reveal the secrets outside the "Ring", you and your family would be killed and your baseball card collection would be stolen, even your Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card. "It's a dirty business," said one ice-cream vendor, "And I don't mean dirty as in filthy, I mean dirty as in dirty, like my scanky ex-wife."
|Artist's rendition of the 1980's, the "Golden Years" for ice-cream vendors.|
The life of an ice-cream vendor wasn't always this way. Back in the 1980's (known as the Golden Years), ice-cream venders were a humble folk, peddling their tasty goods to the highest bidder and the quickest children. At the time, ice-cream vendors were larger than life, throwing huge hollywood-esque parties, doing needle drugs, and sleeping on large piles of money with many beautiful women. Everything was good. Everyone loved the ice-cream vendor. He brought a cold treat to all on a hot day. The ice-cream vendor enjoyed their money, and the people enjoyed the ice-cream. It was a match made in heaven, much like Tito and Michael Jackson or Smoky and the Bandit. "Party all night, get jagged on ice-cream all day," described vender Tom Smith, who wished to remain nameless. "No one could stop us. I remember onetime, me and a fellow vender stole a car and smashed it into a parking meter! We were unstoppable!"
Then in 1987, things changed, and unlike the inclusion of the two point conversion into the NFL or the Winger reunion tour, it wasn't good. Don Don DeDon arrived on the ice-cream vendor scene here in America from the artic tundra of Canada. The Canadian ice-cream scene was a dirty one, and Don Don was the dirtiest player of them all. After running out all other ice-cream vendors from Canada, including the notorious Rockefeller family and the self proclaimed Dairy Queen, Don Don decided to expand his operations to the lucrative American markets. The American markets were currently saturated with Pop-Rocks, Big League Chew, and Fruit Rollups. While there were small, independently run ice-cream operations, they had no where near the size or the influence that Don Don had. Don Don saw this as the perfect market to unload his deadly goods into. Americans had never tasted such a frozen good of such high quality in their lives and were instantly in love with their new mistress of ice. And unlike other similar products such as cocaine and heroine, ice-cream was completely legal. Don Don began his takeover by eliminating the competition. While he had some success with cut-rate pricing, most of Don Don's success in taking out the competition came through car bombs, drive-by shootings, and Celine Deon recordings. In under a year, Don Don controlled all the streets in America. Don Don was free to regulate the prices of his good, and he gave the Americans no breaks what so ever. Prices of ice-cream rose to $15 a barrel. Common<
|Don Don DeDon gave new meaning the the phrase "Holy fucking shit, the ice-cream man is trying to kill me!"|
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