Snakes Voted Top Firework of 2005
on 7/6/2005 (3)
Citizens of Wallington, West Virginia, long considered the world's leading source of firework ratings and twice awarded JD Power's "Best Place to Die in the United States", have voted snakes as the top firework of 2005. For those that do not know, snakes are the small aspirin shaped pellets that grow to many times their own size when lit on fire. They have been featured in the popular television shows South Park, Airwolf, and Cheers. Snakes are even slated to costar with Alan Thicke in the upcoming made for TV movie, The Young Adventures of Bob Costas.
|Holy crap that is the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life! |
"Snakes are just so great," said Wallington resident Dan Snyder. "Have you seen the way they grow? It totally makes my girlfriend jealous, though I am confused as to why."
"Fire and explosions are nice and all, but nothing will ever be able to beat out a small black pellet growing many times it's own size and then being blown away in a tiny gust of wind," said another snake fan.
Snakes beat out other worthy competitors such as firecrackers, sparklers, Roman candles, a kerosene soaked yeti, and those stupid little boats that always roll over in the water and end up putting themselves out.
"It was some tough competition but in the end the vote was unanimous, 7 to 3," said head judge Wally Wallington. "It's hard to deny the award to something that grows many times it's own size. It's like the anti-Jared Fogle."
Ironically Jared Fogle (of Subway fame) was the recipient of two of the three votes not for snakes. Multicolored sparklers received the third.
The 2004 winner of this prestigious award, the smoke bomb, went on to receive moderate success in the following year. Sales were up nearly 27% and it even landed a cameo appearance in the summer blockbuster Mr. & Mrs. Smith, playing a distant cousin of Brad Pitt's character. The 2003 winner, the giant stick of dynamite, has been banned from sale in the continental United States, though it can still be purchased in Canada.
Snakes are currently made by numerous firework manufactures and are typically purchased in small boxes for under a dollar. It is unknown where snakes initially came from or what gives them their unique properties, though alien technology is the most common, and plausible, explanation.
"Snakes have totally baffled scientists for years," said baffled scientist Nathan Tennothing. "They are made of a material that is not of this world. It is my professional opinion that snakes were brought to our planet by aliens years ago in an effort to crush human resistance. But just like the Earth's sun had strange effects on a little boy from Krypton, so too did they adversely affect snakes, transforming these unstoppable killing machines into harmless Fourth of July fun. Every time I light up a snake, I can't help but feel a little lucky that I'm still alive.
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