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SatireWire Tribute
by Kris on 9/28/2002 (0)

Despite all our wild claims, Smooth Operator is a relatively new site. Many before have paved the way for the sort of site that we are. Perhaps none more so that SatireWire. Sadly though, all good things must come to an end, and thus has the story of SatireWire. Recently they have stated their end, claiming unresolvable creative differances between their creator and their creator. Together with many other satire and humor sites, we as a group have choose this day to honor that which is SatireWire. Each of the participating sites will be posting one of their favorite stories from SatireWire on this September 28th, 2002. For more on this story and a complete listing of the contributing sites, please visit http://www.satiresearch.com/tribute.asp. Now, here is our story...

SURVEY: MAJORITY OF WEB USERS ARE
FBI AGENTS POSING AS TEENAGE GIRLS
Survey Shows Evolving Web No Longer Dominated by Male Techies

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — The Internet reached a demographic milestone this week as a new study revealed that for the first time, the majority of U.S. Internet users are FBI agents posing as teenage girls.

The report, by research firm Media Metrix, marks the first time the demographic group known as "males" has not been in the majority.

Yikes, a graph!
According to the survey, which tracked online usage from January through July, 50.4 percent of U.S. Web users -- or nearly 38 million -- are FBI agents posing as teenage girls. That's still below the percentage of FBI agents posing as teenage girls in the overall population, which according to U.S. Census figures is 55.7 percent. However, the report noted that FBI agents posing as teenage girls represent the fastest growing segment of Web users, increasing 185 percent in the past 12 months.

"This study reveals that the Internet has come of age as a practical medium and is no longer dominated by the male techie crowd," said Randall Stinson, editor of American Demographics magazine. `These newcomers are saying, 'The Internet is about more than being a geek. It's about shopping and staying in touch with family and posing as a little girl to apprehend geeks.'"

Web sites catering to teenage girls corroborated the findings. "At least half" of Gurl.com's 1.3 million unique monthly visitors are FBI agents posing as teenage girls, said Gurl.com spokesperson Helen Kattrall. "It's easy to tell the difference," she said. "Real teens chat with each other about boys and school and celebrities. But FBI agents posing as teenage girls are never interested in girl-talk. They tend to write things like, 'Hi, I'm Emily. I'm almost 13, and I'm looking for a father figure willing to cross state lines.'"

In a statement, the FBI disputed the study's findings and insisted its agents are not working on that many cases. However, the bureau conceded it cannot rule out the possibility that some agents are posing as teenage girls in their free time.

In other survey findings:

¤ More than 60 percent of female respondents say cybersex is equivalent to infidelity, but a staggering 92 percent of FBI agents posing as teenage girls approve of cybersex as long as it leads to an arrest and conviction.

¤ Nearly one third of pedophiles say they actually go to teen sites in hopes of meeting FBI agents.

¤ Four out of five men say they watch women's gymnastics and figure skating for the athleticism. Nine out of ten women say they are lying.

Copyright © 2000-2001, SatireWire.


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