Bigfoot's Lemonade Stand Closed Due To Health Violations
on 8/4/2005 (1)
Briceland, CA - Every summer for the past fifteen years, the self-proclaimed "Missing Link" travels from his nearby home in Bluff Creek and setups up a small lemonade stand in the town of Briceland, California. Children delight at his tales of wilderness adventure, then quench their thirst with his 15 cent-a-cup lemonade, prices that have stayed relatively low despite years of inflation. Sadly though, this yearly tradition has come to an end due to local Health Department regulations.
|Artist's rendition of what Bigfoot's lemonade stand may have looked like. |
"Not surprisingly, we tested the lemonade and found multiple strands of thick brown hair in it," said Health Department sanitarian Jacob Helms. "Additionally, we found multiple diseases, bacteria, and what appeared to be the remains of a small rodent."
Reports indicate that not only did Bigfoot not wear a hairnet while making and serving the lemonade, he also handled the lemons without gloves and without sanitizing his hands.
"Bigfoot is dirty," said Helms. "Really, really dirty. And so is his lemonade."
For these reasons, and the general terror the parents of the town children experienced when they realized that their children were spending time with an 8 foot-tall fictitious beast who could eat their children whole, lead to the Health Department closing Bigfoot's stand.
"I just wanted to give something back to the children who have done little to nothing to help my cause, whatever that cause might be," said a very sad Bigfoot. He then proceeded to flip over a car, eat two small children, urinate on a fire hydrant, and run back into the woods.
Children that were served from Bigfoot's stand have been quarantined and are being tested for rabies, syphilis, whooping cough, polio, crabs, and various other infections and parasites. Those that are found to be contaminated will be sent to Alabama where no one will ever notice.
Briceland Health Department is not satisfied with just stopping one mythical creature's attempts to sell goods to children and they will continue to work vigilantly to stop all creatures that may or may not be real from peddling their goods if they do not follow proper food safety procedures.
"We've got reports of the Lockness Monster selling ice-cream that may be expired on fourth street and the Easter Bunny is handling hotdogs with his bare paws over on Main," said Helms as he began to walk away. "A health sanitarian's work is never done."
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