Clay Aiken Breaks Silence, Admits to Being a 'Vagfreak'
Raleigh, NC – After two years in the intense media spotlight dodging questions about his sexuality Clay Aiken has an announcement. “I’m a vagina freak,” Aiken proclaimed last week on his personal blog.
|If this approach does not work Clay plans to eat puppies on his next album. |
Since he burst onto the scene in 2003 as the spunky runner-up to gelatin blob Ruben Studdard, Aiken has been mum on questions about girlfriends, his sexual preference, and any allusion to his body hair. That’s all in the past now as Aiken prepares for the release of his upcoming album “Sing, Sing, Sing (because I’m straight)”.
“I don’t know what the fuss was about,” wrote Aiken on August 7th at www.claymotion.com. “Up until now I’ve never felt the need to publicly announce my feelings for anyone. Does that make me a queen?”
Aiken continued, “Many people go through that ‘phase’ where work is the number one priority, or they just don’t feel like they have time for another person. That was me and let me put the accent on was in that sentence. I am now in love with women!”
The word out of the Aiken camp is that ever since he got his “big boy hair”, Clay has been unstoppable. “All we’re going to say is that we’ve noticed a new Clay,” says manager Joe Pillow. “Clay used to tuck himself in the back of the tour bus after shows. Just him, his MP3 player and George Michael, Elton John, or somebody like that.”
Aiken’s blog lists five new catch phrases that he will be trying out in the near future. One in particular is a message to his young fans. “I just let everyone know upfront – it’s like milk, smell it before you buy it.” While Aiken goes on to acknowledge that vaginas don’t have expiration dates like milk they most certainly can leave a rancid taste that sticks with you for some time, just like “eating Mexican food”.
“When the honey pot is sour, this is one bear that won’t get caught with his hand in the jar.”
Most of Aiken’s new catch phrases should be noted are more or less bits and pieces of crass construction worker vernacular. Unfamiliar with most of them until his recent declaration, Aiken often misuses the phrases or jumbles a few together.
“The other night,” Aiken writes “there was this girl that yelled ‘We’re behind you Clay’ and although she couldn’t hear me, I said, ‘That’s what she said’. It was sooo funny. I really need to pull that one out more.”
By and large sales of his records have not been affected. This follows the long-standing trend in the music industry set by such acts as R. Kelly, Motley Crue, and Gerardo (of ‘Rico Suave’ fame).
Despite the strong sales of his first album “Measure of a Man” Aiken feels like going in a new direction could do nothing but give his long-term career a boost. “Look at Britney, Christina, N’Sync, and Aaliyah. After they started down that slippery slope, if you know what I mean (wink), their careers really took off.” When told that Aaliyah actually died before her sales peaked Aiken paused, “Well there’s always the next album, right?”isplay:none">
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