Plus Sized House Gals Named Top Suburban Scourge
on 9/28/2005 (5)
PLEASANT VALLEY, IL - Pleasant Valley police chief Johnny Beaufort kicked his feet up on his desk and chuckled softly.
|Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water |
"Man-o-man, you don't know the half of it. I think when folks talk about crime in the suburbs, things like public drunkeness, dog attacks and contractor fraud come to mind, but the reality is, plus-sized shut in house fraus are the biggest danger to the public peace today."
Beaufort locked his fingers around his knee and leaned forward.
"I've got a million tales to tell. I recall one trophy sized gal who didn't like one of her neighbors comments comparing her thighs with a scene from the Titanic, and sure enough, the next day, we get an "anonymous" tip that the said insult-or didn't keep her house clean and her kids looked sick all the time, no doubt called in by the insul-tee. When these big beautiful gals get their feelings hurt -which usually doesn't take more than a gentle breeze- they go insane with rage and lust for vengeance. Almost comical, if it weren't so damn serious. A lot of good folks get their names dragged through the mud as a result."
Beaufort recounted tales of virtual war, with vindictive moms calling social services for child neglect, city officials for property code violations, IRS tip hot-lines, and even the FBI for suspected terrorist activity, just to get even with a neighbor for a disparaging stare or remark.
Beaufort thoughtfully brushed his mustache and pondered professionally
"In a way I'm sympathetic. These gals don't have much to do but eat, change loaded diapers and watch the Maury show all day. I'm not debating that can bring out the worst in a person, but I'm forced to point out that abusing the system just to get even with someone is a crime, and if reports are found to be fabricated, charges can be filed."
Embattled suburban tugboat Bernice-Barrows White thought otherwise.
"If the Simpson's dog pees on my grass once more, I'll poison it, I swear it! And if that Latino landscaper at the Polen's next door doesn't put a shirt on and stop peeking in my front window, I'll call the cops! Dirty molester!"
Emmanuel "Manny" Colanza, the alleged shirt-less Latino landscaper, shrugged, sadly responding: "Mi esposa es muy gorda también." and expressed no further comment or obvious interest.0" hei
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