Candid Interview With A Real-Life Cable Guy
on 10/24/2005 (2)
In a rare, candid interview with real life Cable Guy Chip Gordon, Gordon describes what life is like being purely a product of movie quotes and B TV sitcoms.
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Smooth Op: "Good afternoon Mr. Gordon. Let's get started. How do you describe yourself, and others who arguably have absorbed way, way too much popular media?"
Chip Gordon: "From the dawn of time we came; moving silently down through the centuries, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering; when the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known we were among you... until now."
Smooth Op: "Heh... sounds very, uh, other worldly. How have you been able to cope with the grist and tumble of everyday existence living your life like a hodge-podge dossier of movie quotes? Doesn't it complicate things?"
Chip Gordon: "No, I am merely stating that uhh...life finds a way."
Smooth Op: "I see. What about your personal life? It says here that you have been married 3 times."
Chip Gordon: "I'm always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Gordon."
Smooth Op: "I see again. Yours seems like a barren sort of existence, wouldn't you say?"
Chip Gordon: "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? Huh? Ok."
Smooth Op: "Hey, hey, don't get so hostile! We've got half an interview to conduct!
Chip Gordon: "I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?!"
Smooth Op: "Okay, that's a threat! I'm calling this thing off I-I..."
Chip Gordon: "Chill out, dickwad! Auntie Em, a twister! A twister!
Smooth Op: "Dickwad?! Why you...!"
Chip Gordon: "You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory!"
Smooth Op: "Okay, okay...I see how this silly little game works. Let's try one more time. Don't you think this whole thing is a little dysfunctional and downright creepy? How do you expect to get through life like this?
Chip Gordon: "O-Oh, forgive me. I get carried away sometimes with the quotes and all. Did you say something?"
Smooth Op: "Well, that's better. Seriously, what are the odds that you'll get some professional help?"
Chip Gordon: "Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1! Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!"
Smooth Op: "Oh, good night."
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