Man Finds Inner Peace Under His Bed
on 10/27/2005 (0)
For years and years, Josh Hampton searched high and searched low for inner peace, but like a rabid fox covered in KY Jelly and stuffed inside his sleeping bag as a cruel college prank, it always eluded his grasp and left bite marks all across his tender pink body.
|I found Inner Peace and now you can to, only $5! |
"It was like a twisted game of hide and seek," said Josh. "I'd see some sneakers behind a curtain and be sure they belonged to Inner Peace, but when I pulled the curtain back, all I saw was a shriveled old man named Oz and his evil robot dog R2D2. It made me mad, mad enough to kill."
"Josh had a lot of problems," said his therapist/bus driver. "He really needed to find inner peace, otherwise I'm sure he would have killed hundreds if not thousands people in what would quickly be referred to as the greatest national tragedy since Kevin Costner's post Dances With Wolves career."
"Josh had a terrible temper," said Josh's Mom. "That's why he never had any friends, he always scared them away with his angry tirades. Well, that and the fact that Josh refuses to wear pants. Ever."
Thankfully, while pushing some empty beer cans and old porno magazines back under his racecar shaped bed, Josh stumbled across that which he was so desperately seeking to stumble upon.
"I was just trying to clean up for my date with a hot Chinese prostitute, then suddenly I was overwhelmed with a great calmness," said Josh of the moment he found Inner Peace. "It was way, way better than the time I found a half-eaten taco in the fridge."
Now that Josh has found Inner Peace, his life has dramatically changed, more so than he ever imagined it would.
"I quit my job as a bum fighter, I started dating a girl that I don't have to pay to see, and best of all, I'm making huge profits off of other people that want to come and see my inner peace. $5 for twenty minutes under my bed. $3 if it's a hot girl willing to show me her boobs."
As great an accomplishment as finding Inner Peace is, Josh is not content to end his searching there. Next up, Total Enlightenment.
"I'm gonna check the couch cushions first, that's where the remote always ends up," said Josh. "I've got some old boxes in the garage that I want to check in too."n.r/tds/
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