Confused Local Man Calls Neighbors's Dog A Dick
on 1/7/2006 (4)
MAYFIELD, IL - Mayfield resident Rich Vance reportedly referred to his neighbor Stan Raclyzcki's dog Touser as a "dick" according to shocked neighbors and bystanders early Thursday.
|Boy, whatta Dick! |
"Wow. That was the first time I ever saw someone call a guys dog a dick before. Wow, what can I say?" Recalled 3rd party observer Henry Brick. "Rich was all pissed off and up in Stan's face, and he was like 'get your damn dog off of my property, or I'll call animal control! That dog of yours is a dick if I've ever seen one!"
Shocked neighbors reportedly quizzed each other, grappling for scenarios to explain the inexplicable play of words and events
"Did he just call Stan's dog a dick?"
"Uh, Yeah...he did...what do you make of it?"
"Umm...I dunno. I never heard a dog called a dick before. I've heard lotsa people called dicks, I've called alot of people dicks myself, and I've been called a dick by plenty of other people but I never, uh..."
"*Ahem*...yeah, I'm with you. Do you think maybe the dog was, like being snooty, you know, like dogs do, when they take away your slipper, slobber on it while your yelling at them and wag their tail and run away and won't give it back when you chase them? My dog does that and I think that just might qualify."
"Umm, maybe. I think that would maybe earn a 'jerk', but a dick? I dunno."
"Well, whatabout when a little dog, like a Jack Russell or a Yorkie, constantly picks fights with bigger dogs, and invariably winds up getting his midget little ass kicked? If you ask me, now that dog would be a dick!"
The ranting, 78 year old Vance also reportedly called his other neighbor's cat a "nutsack" and referred to their Chevy SUV as a "fat ass" before being subdued by city police, whom he referred to as "bitches" and was later released to the custody of his daughter Lara, who remorsed "Dad's a bit confused. When he doesn't take his meds on time, he tends to get a bit confused. I apologize for any stress he may have caused. He's not the man I grew up with, I assure you."
After taking his medications, the fog would begin to lift as Vance would later refer to his neighbor's leaky gutter as an "asswipe", kick his nutsack, and throw a rock at his fat ass before being chased by the same bitches later that same evening.
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