Tobacco Giant Ponders Firing Non-Smoking Employees
on 1/14/2006 (0)
(AP) Tobacco industry giant Phillip Morris has announced plans to "terminate any and all non-smokers" according to inside sources Friday. P-M spokesman Bruce Rantz explains:
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"In light of increasing health care costs and advertising expenses, as well as propagating a positive image of our product, we will commence the "Take 5" employee smoke initiative in early spring. All new hires will be required to be smokers, and any currently employed non smokers will be given 3 months, pending spot nicotine breathalyzer tests, to pick up the habit. We want to make sure that we have team players, as well as creating a new source of revenue to offset rising operation costs. It's a perfect match, pun intended!"
P-M's seemingly contrary announcement flaunts in the face of Scotts Miracle Grow, who recently announced it would be firing smokers for the same reasons mentioned by Rants, namely rising operation costs. When quizzed with the inevitable, that requiring employees to smoke would destroy their health, Rantz harumphed and pshaw-ed
"Let's not play the Emperor's new clothes over here. Scotts isn't concerned with their employee's health, as they proport to be, and neither are we. We see it as a way of saving money and earning more money at the same time. The rise in health care costs will be easily offset by garnered profits through creating a new fleet of lifetime smokers and brand-loyal salesmen as well. If you want integrity, join the Boy Scouts. We're about money over here."
Rantz promised that cigarettes for the "Take 5" program would be provided free of charge, but harshly reminded, "It only counts if you inhale."
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