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Cheney Rampage Leaves Americans Fearful of Entering the Woods
by Kris on 2/16/2006 (1)

February 11th, 2006 marks the day that the woods are no longer safe for the common man. For years the woods have been a tranquil, peaceful place. Just look at the following picture take only a week ago:

The forest, pre-Cheney era.

Everything changed that fateful day only a few fateful days ago. Drunk on power and pain medications, Vice President Dick Cheney was unleashed full force into the wild, free to spread his Republican breed of terror, tax cuts, and gun control on the innocent forests. Trees toppled, animals died, and an unlucky fellow hunter was shot in the face.

Below is a picture of the post-Chaney era in the woods. Notice how devoid of life the forest has become and the shambles it has been left in, mirroring the current physical condition of Cheney himself.

The forest, post-Cheney era.

Cheney is presently being guarded behind lock and key at the White House in Washington, DC in a scene strangely reminiscent of Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs. President Bush has assured the American public that Cheney shall never be free to roam the wilds again. But as the heavily overused cliché goes, the damage has already been done.

“The forests are destroyed and thousands of species of animals are now extinct,” said World Wildlife spokeswoman Diane Powers. “This is a horrible tragedy who’s effects will be felt not just today but also for thousands of years to come.”

"I said I'd shoot, but you didn't believe me... why didn't you believe me?!?"
Worse still, the “Cheney Rampage” has left millions of Americans fearful of the woods themselves.

“We already had to worry about bears, wolves, and OJ,” said former lumberjack Steven Thomas. “Having to worry about being shot by the Vice President is just too much for me to handle. I’m moving to Vegas to fulfill my dream of becoming a showgirl.”

Thousands of American’s have fled their homes in the woods, taking only what they could carry in their vehicles in a scene straight out of the opening credits of Beverly Hillbillies. Log cabins all across the nation have been left vacant and will most likely soon be populated by three bears of varying sizes who will later feast upon an unlucky curly haired girl who “just wanted some porridge”.

The full impact of the rampage will be seen for years to come as more Americans flee the woods for urban areas and those performing necessary forest work like logging or beaver trapping become more scarce. The White House is hopeful that we can put this behind us and move on, but it’s hard to just forget about the most terrible rampage ever by a political figure not named Teddy Kennedy.


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