One Too Many M*A*S*H Reruns Finally Kill Local Man
on 2/19/2006 (5)
CRAB APPLE COVE, ME - Crab Apple Cove resident Harry S. Miller recently became the "first direct casualty of excessive M*A*S*H TV serial reruns" according to his distraught wife Clara.
|"It's all right, son. It was horse hockey from season 3 on, anyway! " |
"I-It finally got Harry! M*A*S*H finally got my dear Harry! Every time a baseball game rained out, or a football game didn't fit the stations time slot, or just anytime period, they kept playing M*A*S*H reruns over and over and over! *SOB!* He kept saying if he saw that episode with Hawkeye trying to get those damn Adam's Ribs again, it would kill him, and it did by God, it did!
Indeed, it was the Adam's Rib episode that was listed as official cause of death on the coroners report, along with the episode where Frank Burns tries selling garbage to the locals leading to the inevitable "Frank Burns eats worms", or the half dozen or so episodes with either Colonel Flagg or Sidney Friedman in them, at least one including both.
"We see it a lot, really."
Piously pondered ER physician Dr. Sonjay Gupta
"M*A*S*H reruns are not alone in their deleterious effects on one's health. 'Taxi', 'COPS' and 'The Simpsons' reruns can be almost as deadly, as viewers know the story line, and what is coming around the corner at every turn. For some reason, knowing a story line in advance can lead to elevated blood pressure, and chronic cardiovascular disease. My advice is to avoid reruns. If you see Hawkeye and Trapper John trying to accost a seemingly none-too-interested nurse one more time, head for the hills, literally, so to speak. I mean, grab your shoes and head for the hills!"
The M*A*S*H Syndrome, as it has become known, seems to affect older viewers, not only because of their weakened vascular system, but the compounding affect of seeing more and more reruns accumulatively, year after year. The human mind always seems to look for "fresh" stimuli to be satiated, it would seem, and regurgitating old information causes dissatisfaction and stress. This is certainly an evolutionary advantage that has benefitted the human species for countless millenia; those with a need to know were more likely to survive and propagate. Futhermore, those who got tired with the same mate were more likely to go out and seek new recipients for their DNA. Being bored with one's mate merely indicates the need to diversify."
Gupta idly flipped through a few channels on his office DVD player, and pondered professionally
"I suppose there are a few people who actually like seeing reruns all the time, but I would guess them to be a minority. My guess is reruns are nostalgic, and offer warmth and reassurance in some form to some, but it is probably best to remember that Alan Alda is in his 60's now, as is a good part of the remaining cast is as well, and some have even passed away. It is a strange, sad phenomena indeed."
Gupta suggests mixing up reruns with new material, both on television and off, but cautions that "NASCAR may be the same as excessive reruns for many. Seeing a bunch of cars circle in a left hand turn for 500 laps over 8 hours is indeed the ultimate rerun of reruns."i0" style="display:no
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