Americans hate Maine, looks to defect to Iraq
on 10/15/2002 (32)
Recent studies performed by the National Center for National Studies (NCNS) on the United States population has discovered that nearly 70% of all Americans hate the state of Maine and Maine related paraphernalia. These studies were performed by a random polling of people all across the nation using fliers taped onto a brick and thrown through the windows of potential pollees. It is calculated that the percent error on this poll is no bigger than plus or minus 2%. The NCNS has always prided itself with doing the most accurate polling in the entire nation. Many people have even claimed that the NCNS polls are often times a little too accurate. Given these facts, it is safe to assume that the poll results are not in error and should be taken as fact.
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"It was a rather shocking discover," claimed the President of the NCNS, "If anything, we expected that people wouldn't like Alabama."
The poll results, which were published in a recent issue of Cat Fancy, seem to have not only angered the state of Maine but also left them sad and alone. "Sure we have little to nothing to offer the rest of the United States, but really, why do they hate us?" commented one Maininite. "We're honest people, just like the rest of you," commented another. "I don't understand why everyone hates us."
Those outside of Maine seem to have plenty of reasoning for their deep hatred of Maine. "I'm just sick of these freeloaders. We make all their goods, cook all their meals, and school all their children and for what? So those snotty toad-lickers can sit around their precious blueberries and Maine lobster," commented Jon VonJovey. "I didn't found the United States so that some bastard State could sit around and give us all a lousy name," said former President George Washington, recently risen from the grave on a mission to become the first dead President to reach the highest point in all forty-eight states in the continental United States. "This country needs to take a stand in these tough times and have Maine violently removed from the Union!"
Should Maine be removed from the United States, it seems it will mostly likely be done with a tactical nuclear strike. "We're gonna bomb the hell out of them," commented current President George Bush, "It will make what we did to Afghanistan look like a fireworks show." After what will likely be the largest loss of human life in the past four-hundred years, Maine will likely be pillaged by rouge Canadian Eskimo tribes. "We will steal their American technology, eh" commented Ooktar, the leader of one such tribe, "Fire will finally be ours yah eh."
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Not everyone is for the total annihilation of the state of Maine. "I think Maine would make a good addition to Iraq," commented Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "Maine would make a perfect base of operations for deploying biological weapons against the United States, and the people of Maine would make excellent mindless zombie robots for which I will use to build giant temples in the likeness of mindless zombie robots." Talks have already began with Maine Governor Angus King. "Saddam is really a nice guy, just a bit misunderstood," commented King. "He's going to improve roads, build schools, lower taxes, and provide the cruel iron fisted dictatorship that Maine has been yearning for for oh so many years. We've gone as far as we can with the United States, joining the Iraqi federation is clearly the next step.
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