'Brokeback Mountain' Wins Coveted Quivering Sphincter Award
on 3/6/2006 (9)
HOLLYWOOD - In a queerly peculiar conciliatory decision, the gay cowpoke drama, Brokeback Mountain recently stunned industry pundits, friends and foes alike, by unanimously winning the coveted "Quivering Sphincter" award Saturday. Quivering Sphincter delegate Saul Levine queezingly elaborates:
"Millions of sphincters are quivering across America. Well, we never thought that gay cowboys would ever hit the silver screen (*urp*!), but who did, and what can you say? We're all reaching for the Alka Seltzer over here, and have no doubt that almost everyone else is too. The coveted Quivering Sphincter award has been graced by many notable stars and celebrities in the past, but Brokeback is a hands down winner, primarily due to the obvious clash of the rough and rugged, macho perception as cowboys as anything but true, archetype he-men, coupled with a skin crawling, overt gay overtone. Not since Ellen Degeneris clubbed her way out of the closet on national TV, has such a level of vauge, stomach reeling malaise gripped the nation. I-I just don't know what to make of it. (*Phooweee*!)
Brokeback follows in the not-so-distinct footsteps as the Howard Stern morning show, Richard "I'm a pony!" Simmons, select scenes from the OC, vintage Truman Capote, and the Hillary Clinton lesbian rumors.
"O-Ohh, gimme a minute...I'm guessing that Hollwyood is trying to send an extreme liberal message that all lifestyles are acceptable in backing a film such as "Brokeback", but the big question is, will the public accept it? We hardly think so. Media has a powerful effect in molding public opinion, but I think that gay cowboys cross the line. I think they're just trying to see how much we can take. A-Anybody got a Tumms? I'm dyin' over here!"
Producers of "Brokeback Mountain" admit they tussled over other dicey hardline gay plots before investing their big production bucks, notably "Baghdad Buddies: A gay soldier's story", and "WWF, pin me again, big boy!" before tossing in their lot with the films randy rustler theme, citing, "Who in their right mind would pay to see a story about a gay soldier or wrestler? Now that's over the top!"
References to past prohibitions against black actors and actresses in an industry sponsered simile to gay plots and themes has not thrilled the NAACP and black viewers however, who firmly state, "minority or not, we'd rather be under represented, or even racially stereotyped, than placed in a sympathetic catagory with a couple of cracker poke-abillies who don't know their ass from a hole in Oklahoma."
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