The Tragic Lives Of Jilted American Idol Wanna Bees
on 3/25/2006 (6)
GODFORSAKEN PENINSULA, ME - 18 year old Maine Arts student Katy Sorrenson laments "a complete degradation of Christian morals and abject embracement of meaningless materialism" after being rejected by Am Idol judges in a bitter, soul wrenching audition in Chicago earlier this year.
|"How do you want it? Paula, Randy or Simon style? *SOB*!" |
Clutching a bottle of Rock and Rye in one hand, and a tear saturated handkerchief in the other, the haggard, older-before-her-time Sorrenson dejectedly describes.
"T-Those dirty bastards! I practiced all summer long. I spent hours singing in the shower and even went to the extent of downloading karaoke tracks of Glen Campbells "Leaving on a jet plane" just to get ready for Simon, Paula and Randy, and they chewed me up and spit me out before I had a chance to get to the "don't know when I'll be back again" part. That dirty bastard Simon called me a yodeling Golden Retriever minus the yodeling part! I-I'm so devestated!*SOB*!"
Sorrenson was not alone.
Thousands of self-described American Idols have had the life force and earthly confidence literally sucked out of them by rejection from the hit talent hunt series, and the number grows by thousands more each year. Without realizing it, or perhaps maliciously so, Randy, Paula and Simon have mortally stripped the lives ambition and crushed the tender confidence of hapless sincere auditioners, often plunging them into a self-destructive cycle of drug abuse, severe crippling depression and even selling their very flesh on online escort services.
"M-My life is ruined. I dropped out of school, I started drinking, and I even stripped every mirror out of my house because I couldn't stand to look at myself! All that matters to me now is a cheap buzz, a cheap date, and the solace of shopping till I drop in a futile attempt to restore my ruined sense of self-esteem. M-My life is over!*SOB!*
Psychologists nationwide have identified Sorrensons trauma as the newly diagnosed "Simon Syndrome", and say the heinous condition is not at all surprising, illustrating that they see the same result when people are rejected by modeling agencies, exclusive colleges, or even jilted by a disinterested suitor. These minor lifes traumas tend to dissipate with time, and usually heal slowly, but reminded that "The difference between someone gently brushing you off and telling you that you suck to your face is about as different as a college sending you a polite rejection letter, or calling you on the phone and telling you that you're too goddamm stupid to get in."h="0"0" hei
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