American Idol Shocker: Sour Simon Cowell Calls It Quits, Castro Named Pinch Primper
on 3/30/2006 (0)
HOLLYWOOD - Finally exceeding his diminutive masochistic belt capacity, the perpetually displeased Simon Cowell, "Threw in the bloody towel" in a shocker press release early Monday. Am Idol MC host Ryan Seacrest explains.
|"That was horrible. Give me back that 2 minutes of my life, and Guantanamo Bay while you're at it!" |
"Uh, yeah. The old bean finally popped his cork. He said he couldn't stand to watch another minute of what he termed 'Karaoke on steroids' and flew back to his mum in Manchester. We were at a momentary loss to find a suitable, equally caustic and critical replacement to balance out the syrupy optimism of Randy and Paula, but finally found it in Fidel. He's a natural, I'll say that!"
Am Idol producers negotiated an undisclosed 2 month contract with Castro, who will fly out to L.A. 2 days a week to take part in the filming of the hit talent hunt series. According to Seacrest, Castro 'Slid in Simon's chair like a greased green cucumber'.
The move is not without its critics. Castro is reportedly using the hit series for political ends, according to insiders, spouting such thinly veiled communistic statements as "Mr. Covais, you do not sing too well, but that is not very important! Men do not shape destiny, Destiny produces the man for the hour!" and "Comrade Hicks, I do not like your gray hair. I think that a man should not live beyond the age when he begins to deteriorate, when the flame that lighted the brightest moment of his life has weakened! You should color it now!", but conceded that replacing Simon isn't like changing a pair of panty hose.
Public reaction to Fidels surprise appointment will have to wait a week, but producers think the sub is a shoe-in, citing, "Both of these guys are dour dictators driven by some shadowy ulterior motive, and the only difference in the measurable level of earthly dissatisfaction between these two men is a black T-shirt and an El Producto Maduro, so take your pick.""00" style
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