Wrestling Fan Bashes Co-worker with Steel Chair
on 3/31/2006 (1)
Entry-level bean counter Timothy Stevens was rushed by ambulance to Marine County General Hospital after being attacked with a steel chair during an argument with a coworker.
|Terror, steel chair is thy name. |
Wallace Jenkins, mid-level bean counter for Jefferson Bean Counting, felt that Timothy had missed a few beans in his recent count and brought up the issue during the accounting department’s weekly meeting. Timothy was quick to deny the miscount and insult Wallace’s homely wife Helga. Wallace was equally quick to rise to his feet, fold up his chair, and began to attack Timothy.
Timothy is currently in intensive care at the hospital after receiving a total of three chair shots to his head and back. While he is expected to live, he may never count beans again.
Wallace admitted shortly after the incident that professional wrestling was clearly the cause of his attack.
“I’ve been a huge wrestling fan since I was six,” Wallace told police. “It’s always been a dream to pulverize a rival with a steel chair, and now that dream has become a reality.”
Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Vince McMahon, owner and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, the largest professional wrestling organization today.
“We can’t just let a madman like Vince teach America that it’s okay to settle arguments with steel chairs, sledgehammers, and wooden posts covered in barbed wire and lit on fire,” said office Shane Murphy. “There are better ways in today’s society to settle an argument than a flying elbow off the top rope.”
In order to prevent a repeat of this incident, Jefferson Bean Counting will be replacing all their steel chairs with lightweight folding lawn chairs. These chairs are reportedly “less dangerous” and “much more comfortable” than their steel counterpartsone">0" style="display:none">
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