Tool of the Month
on 4/4/2006 (0)
While walking through Home Depot in a vane attempt to not spend hundreds of dollars on needless home supplies and industrial strength glue, I noticed an interesting promotion. There on a stand sat a cordless drill, and next to it the immortal words that would change the Internet forever. Those words, still as true this day as they were four days ago, simply stated "Tool of the Month". Forever the innovator, Smooth Operator has stolen this concept as it's own and will update this page each and every month from here until 2012 with a new "Tool of the Month".
Tom "Crazy Scientology Guy" Cruise
May 2006 Tool of the Month
Tom Cruise burst onto the Hollywood scene in 1983 with the hit movie Risky Business, which showcased his innate ability to sing and dance sans pants and shirts. This quickly won him the love and admiration of dozens of teenage girls nationwide who apparently thought he was cute or something, it's really impossible to tell what teenage girls think. His subsequent roles in movies like Top Gun and Born on the Fourth of July cemented his status as one of the top actors in Hollywood. Yet amid all the critical praise and showering of love and affection, a sinister force was at work behind the scenes. Visited one night by the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard, Cruise fell to the unwielding power of Scientology and is now forever trapped in her icy grip. It is believe that Cruise fell to Scientology sometime in the late 1980's and now his body is merely a vessel for the promotion of the Church of Scientology. In the past year, Cruise met, married, and bore child with Hollywood actress Katie Holmes, whom he stole away from her high school sweetheart Dawson. Cruise proclaimed his love for Holmes on an episode of Opera by leaping madly on her couch. Many in the audience fled the studio, fearful for their lives, and Cruise had to be physically restrained by Opera herself before he could inflict even more damage to the couch, which had questioned Cruise's allegiance to Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy according to Scientology lore. Upon having their baby Suri, named after the Oyster King in Scientology lore, Cruise and Holmes feasted on the placenta, which was widely considered absolutely disgusting by everyone everywhere. It is currently rumored that Holmes is keeping their baby Suri from Cruise for fear that he may try to eat the baby as well.
Kevin "Mr. Britney Spears" Federline
April 2006 Tool of the Month
In 2004 or 2005 or somewhere right around there, Kevin Federline (known to his dozen fans as K-Fed) burst onto the pop-culture scene by single handedly destroying the dreams of thousands of backup dancers, backup singers, and makeup artists by becoming the first (and certainly not the last) to knock up the pop-diva Britney Spears. Since that fateful day whenever it was, K-Fed has used his status as Mr. Britney Spears to launch a moderately successful solo album that showcases his innate ability to make-up words and expect America to care. His most famous made-up word, "PopoZão", is believe to translate roughly to "a horse's anus", which ironically is also the phrase that may most accurately describe K-Fed. K-Fed is widely considered to have a fashion sense that ranks only slightly above that of Vanilla Ice yet still below rival 90's washout MC Hammer. Four times K-Fed has been referred to as a "douche bag" on a nationally syndicated news broadcast and he has been widely criticized for being "totally lame and only being in the public eye because of his skanky wife".
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