Money: Why we like it, Why we must destroy it
on 10/24/2002 (3)
Recent studies released in the current issue of Cat Fancy, the nation's leading source of cat and cat related information, have pointed to the fact that people do in fact like money, despite how terrible it actually is. This comes as a stark contradiction to reports earlier this year printed in Drunk Chicks which claimed that people do not like money.
|Every man's dream... Money in one hand, a giant coin in the other. |
"I was rather surprised with the results," commented a local man Bob. "I hate that money stuff so much, it keeps getting in my wallet and making my ass look fat. I try to give it away all the time, but then they give me coins which are even worse." Other local men were also surprised that Bob was actually capable of comprehending these results. "Bob's an idiot" commented one of these local men. The local women refused to comment on the situation, most likely do to our repeated attempts at asking for their phone numbers, cup sizes, and naked pictures of them with sheep.
The current study was performed by the editors of Cat Fancy in an attempt to find why the readership of Cat Fancy has been declining in recent months. "It was necessary to find out why this decline has occurred and to remedy the situation," said Cat Fancy CEO Walter Green. "The only logical conclusion that we can draw from this is that people like money... maybe even a little too much. These people love money so much that they are refusing to relinquish their money to renew their subscriptions to Cat Fancy."
It is not a mystery that man has had a long standing obsession with money. Since it's creation in the early 1980's by rock band Winger in an effort to promote their world tour "Winger Doesn't Suck, Here's Some Money", it has become an object of desire for people all across the globe and into parts of Canada. People work long hours doing repetitive and often dangerous jobs for this money. Many people have even died in the pursuit of this often vengeful and always dangerous object. Money has lead to wars costing thousands of lives and poor movies costing millions of dollars (Water World). The only real question is why are people in such desperate need of this money? Money provides no hallucinogenic effects like various drugs and cough syrups. Money doesn't give you that feel good feeling and impaired judgment that alcohol does. Money can't hold you close when you are sad or make sweet, sweet monkey love to you when you are feeling blue. Looking to find a reason, we went to expert money researcher Tom Brooks for his professional opinion, and to purchase some of his silky smooth cocaine which he sells out of the back of his van.
|Winger: Proudly sucking as much today as they did twenty years ago. |
"The appeal of money all comes down to sex. Money secretes an hormone known as Takeme which drives women into a sexual frenzy. Thus, men will work hard to possess this money which will allow them to attract the women. It's essential the cat-nip of the human world, only it attracts women and not cats and it's really not cat-nip but instead a form of paper that secretes a special hormone."
Not all experts agree with these statements though. "Mr. Brooks is a complete moron," commented one expert who wished to remain nameless, "What else would you expect from a guy who studies money and sells drugs out of the back of his van? Money is not capable of producing such hormones as Mr. Brooks so arrogantly claims. The real reason people desire money so much is that it al
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