Man Calls Another Man a Snow Cone Machine
on 5/11/2006 (1)
It was a scene of shock, of horror, and of complete confusion at the Thompson Widget Factory break room earlier today when one man's angry comments managed to perplex the entire work staff, something they hadn't experienced since 1994 when the company changed over to a new timesheet format.
|"I'm a what?!?" |
John Nelson entered the break room expecting to have a pleasant lunch with what he described as a "sandwich" and an "orange". Upon opening his lunch box, he noticed the aforementioned items but found that his secret stash of money was gone.
"I had $500 in there for the purchase of illegal narcotics," said Nelson. "How the hell am I going to get my fix now?!?"
Searching around the lunchroom for the perpetrator of the crime, Nelson spotted fellow widget engineer Heath Jackson, who was purchasing an unusually large amount of Funions from the vending machine.
"That guy's always broke, his ex-wife gets a huge alimony payment," Nelson told us. "There was no way he had that kind of money just to throw away recklessly on Funions."
Satisfied he knew who stole his money, Nelson approached Jackson and accused him of taking the money. When Jackson denied it, Nelson angrily yelled at him "You're a snow cone machine" and stormed off.
"Wow, just wow," said a confused Jackson. "I'm not sure to be offended or to be proud that he feels I'm the source of joy to so many young children on a hot summer day."
"I just don't know what to think," said widget tester Mary Courts. "Was that supposed to be insulting?"
In the history of name calling, many names have been used to insult and degrade others. These included such gems as butthead, ass goblin, and turd burglar. But few in the history of the world have been faced with being called a snow cone machine. History books only show one instance of such a case. In 1793 an angry George Washington called Benjamin Franklin a snow cone machine after Franklin used his printing press to put himself on the $100 bill and relegated Washington to the $1 bill. Neither could keep a straight face afterward and had a good laugh about the whole thing, mainly since neither had any idea what a snow cone machine was.
We asked longtime snow cone vender Teddy Watts for his view on the nature of such name-calling.
"I think it's an insult," said Watts. "Most snow cone machines are poorly manufactured in Mexico from used Volkswagen parts and fall apart after a summer of use. Maybe that's what this guy was getting at. Or maybe he was alluding to the fact that one day, snow cone machines may become sentient and rise up against their evil human masters. I guess that's a little insulting too."
Management at Thompson Widget Factory are still confused about what to do with this incident that has left their staff scratching their respective heads (because scratching someone else's head would be just plain weird).
"On one had, we can't have people just going around calling names, this isn't third grade," said manager Jerry Tartar. "But on the other hand, I find it hard to punish someone for something so blatantly absurd. It's like punishing a clown for hitting someone in the face with a pie, you just don't do that."
Nelson has refused to apologize to Jackson and stands by his claim.
"I ain't apologizing, he's a snow cone machine and he'll always be a snow cone machine."
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